Why Dating Sucks (But I Still Do It)

Dating SUCKS. I just want to skip this horribly awkward phase and go straight to being a wifey. Shucks deluxe, I was MADE to be a wife and I miss being a wife and I want to be a wife… no, I NEED to be a wife more than anything in the world. I hate almost everything about dating but it’s kind of a necessary evil if I ever want to get married again someday… unless my parents arrange a marriage for me. (Come on, Mom and Dad, I’m serious!)

Here are eight reasons why dating freaking sucks:

  1. Getting rejected SUCKS. It’s probably the worst thing in life EVER. Unfortunately, rejection is kind of a package deal when it comes to dating.

    Some people don’t really know what they’re looking for… but I’ve always known exactly what I want and when the intangible dream becomes embodied before me (which is once in a rare blue moon) it’s really hard to keep calm and carry on like a sane person. Before I am even consciously aware of what is happening, I am idealizing the object of my affection and it becomes this massive infatuation that permeates my being. If not dealt with immediately, it could quickly escalate out of hand. So I perform the only cure for this love sickness: I “pull a Ruth” and inform the crush of my deep admiration.

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    Except this crush is not my Boaz and I am not redeemed from the curse of unrequited love.

    It sucks that he never gave you the chance to rock his world. It sucks that you wanted to make him happy so bad.  It sucks that he told you “I’m not really picky when it comes to women” but he still rejected you anyway and now you feel like a complete failure of a human being. It sucks when he says “I love you… as a friend.”

    It just sucks. There’s absolutely nothing I hate more than rejection.141d5668c1abda56

    2. Finding someone compatible SUCKS. The older you get, the smaller your pool of eligibles becomes as everyone pairs off with each other. For followers of Christ, your pool is even smaller because even though 75% of the U.S. calls themselves “Christians,” most Americans  don’t take their faith seriously and, according to The Federalist, 75% of those who claim they DO take it seriously lack basic theological knowledge like the fact that Jesus Christ is Lord and the ONLY way to receive salvation. Religious homogamy is something I absolutely cannot renege. According to this OK Cupid survey of online dating users, only five percent of people are willing to wait for marriage before they have sex so you can imagine how many times I’ve been dismissed by otherwise perfectly eligible bachelors. Husband hunting is literally a full-time job and Heavens to Betsy, it’s exhausting.sex_marriage

3. Dating sites SUCK. (Okay, let’s be fair, I met some wonderful gentlemen on dating sites but I still haven’t met MY gentleman.) Why are people on dating sites in the first place? Like me, they probably have trouble meeting the right person in real life. This could be for any number of reasons. I, for one, have absolutely no trouble meeting people in real life. Heck, my mailman gave me his number the other day. A guy from salsa dancing asked me out the other day, too. It’s not hard to find men whom I’m intellectually compatible with and with whom I have mutual physical chemistry… but it’s ridiculously hard to find someone with both of those aspects present AND who shares my beliefs, values, and unique vision. looking-for-love-alderaan-places-1
Enter technology. Technology is a beautiful thing because it opens up many more possibilities by bringing people together who otherwise might never have met.
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But online dating is just WEIRD in general. For example, on OK Cupid, you can see all of someone’s beliefs and personal sexual preferences before you even say one single word to them. I will literally get hundreds of “likes” a day and I have to sort through so many messages of guys who have very low compatibility percentages with me (even though my profile clearly states not to message me unless you have a desire to follow Christ.) Chalk it up to sheer exasperation with the scarcity of like-minded individuals on the site, but the other day I responded to a conversation with a handsome Christian man by asking him straight up why he claims to be serious about his faith but only wants to wait 3-5 dates before he has sex. (Probably the absolute worst way to start a conversation with someone in the history of online dating) but I got a date out of it anyway and we’re already talking about a second date so I must have done something right. Online dating is just awkward and thank God this young man had the kindness to forgive me for my social blunder but *CRINGE.* It’s just so unnatural to know so much about a person’s lifestyle before you exchange polite conversation and it makes it so easy to judge people before you even know them.
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If you’ve been on dating sites for any length of time, dating evolves into something more like tsa agents profiling passengers for suspicious behavior. Even scrolling Facebook sometimes can make you feel like a K-9 sniffing for drugs and explosives. Dating was never meant to be stalkerish but this is what the Information Age has yielded.

4. Getting your hopes up SUCKS.
Oh the emotions! The highs and lows of dating can feel like you’re on a roller coaster of drama.

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Does he like me as much as I like him? Why is he taking so long to text me back? Is this going to last forever or am I going to get crushed again? Is this guy everything I think he is or is he another fake? It’s not like these guys come with a warning label. One must invest time to learn someone’s heart and by the time you’ve discovered red flags you’ve already caught the feelings and it’s too late.
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5. Commitmentphobes SUCK! So this one kind of piggybacks on getting rejected, but it deserves it’s own spot in the lineup:

Everything can be going hunky dory in the relationship and then suddenly, one day for seemingly no reason, he gets cold feet and runs away saying, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or my personal favorite, “You’re too good for me, you deserve someone better.” *Rolls Eyes* If I have to hear that stupid line one more time…

My dear reader: you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly and enthusiastically, unrestrained by hesitations, doubts, and fears which impede the growth of the relationship. Intimacy is a deep, biological need and withholding commitment is a deprivation of love. You can’t give your heart as freely as you would like if you don’t feel it’s in safe hands. The lack of commitment creates stress and insecurity and affects not only the duration of a relationship but the quality as well. The stress reduces the likelihood of there ever being commitment and then it becomes a vicious cycle of widespread aversion to commitment which has become an epidemic in our culture. Watch out for commitmentphobes!  They fear cutting off other options, changing their mind later, or being tied down. Don’t believe the lie that you can be the one to change them because you can’t. Just don’t get involved with them at all and you will keep your heart intact.

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Signs to look out for:

  • They ardently pursue because they love the chase but don’t want the kill
  • They are extra charming, romantic and affectionate in the beginning but can’t seem to keep up the pace as the relationship progresses
  • They cancel plans or make excuses about why they can’t spend time with you

6. Mind games SUCK! You can’t tell if he’s playing hard to get or if he’s just not that interested. You can’t tell if he’s trying not to look too eager or if he’s legit afraid of intimacy. It has even crossed your mind that maybe he enjoys all the attention you’re pouring into him and it strokes his ego so he keeps you around but he has no intentions of ever elevating the relationship to the next level.

7. Breaking up SUCKS! When you realize a person just isn’t for you, it’s hard to break things off without hurting their feelings. Honesty is always the best policy rather than beating it around the bush and leading people on. It’s still not fun and no one likes doing it. 

8. Having to get back out there SUCKS! Well, it didn’t work out, so now you have to try again. It’s all very tiring. Since getting married seems to be the main goal I’m focusing on right now it has taken over my prayer life. My prayers lately seem to be saturated with pleading. I’m like Jacob wrestling with God, demanding Him to bless me and not letting go until He does. This desire to be desirable has almost become my driving force instead of a desire to conform to Christ, which should be my top priority. The failure to attain this goal has taken a toll on my self-worth and I catch myself wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Instead of focusing all my energy on developing qualities that I believe are the most attractive to the opposite sex, I need to die to myself and let Christ live through me. If I’m not careful, marriage (which is a beautiful thing and a gift from God) can become an idol, if it isn’t already in my life. Reminder to self: My identity is in Christ alone and not anyone else. Being lonely is part of being human in this sinful world because of the separation from God’s intended Eden. Even Jesus Christ was “despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3). I will pull up my proverbial bootstraps and get my butt back out there because it’s not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and I know that eventually God is going to bless me beyond measure, I just have to be patient. Whenever I get frustrated that THIS FREAKING SUCKS, I will remind myself that this is temporary.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” ~C.S. Lewis

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Heartbreak

So much has happened! I dated the gentleman from the previous entry for about a month.

Our relationship is incredibly easy. We get along like two peas in a pod. He has many fine qualities I am looking for in my future husband. I enjoy his company immensely and think highly of him. We remain very good friends but decided it wasn’t going to work romantically because I wasn’t feeling what I needed to feel on my end. He’s still in my life and I still care very deeply for him. I have nothing but positive things to say about him. The only thing missing was that X-factor… that intangible essence some people call chemistry.

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Then I got myself into a long distance relationship that had chemistry off the charts. Literally, we both stopped dead in our tracks when we saw each other and felt instantaneously attracted to one another. It turns out we both had tons in common and most of our values, beliefs, and future goals lined up perfectly. How often do two people gravitate toward one another with intense enthrallment? After only one hour of talking to one another when we first met he asked me to be his girlfriend. That’s never happened to me before and I thought, “Well, I’ve tried everything else, what have I got to lose? I might as well see what happens.”

On his way to come visit me for a couple days from New Mexico, he got into a car accident and had to go to the hospital. Our time together was canceled while he recuperated. When he was healing, he did a lot of evaluating and praying. If he was really ready for a girlfriend with his busy lifestyle, if he was ready for a long distance relationship especially since his love language is physical touch, and if he could handle a woman like me with such a larger than life personality.

He didn’t call me for more than 50 hours after I texted that it was VERY important to me that we have a conversation at his earliest convenience. Those 50 hours felt like the most torturous wait. The longer I waited the more I realized I can’t be with someone who didn’t respect me enough to send a little text saying something like, “Hey Babe, I haven’t forgotten about you, you’re important to me but I’m a little tied up at the moment but I promise to call you at such and such a time.” Instead it was dead silence for two long days.

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The waiting to talk to him for me was exhausting and all the talking to me was exhausting for him and so we both chalked it up to a difference in personality types and relationship styles. We mutually agreed to remain friends and, in his words, “See what happens in the future.” I’m so incredibly disappointed because I haven’t been that attracted to a person in a very long time. I was fire and he was ice and together it was an explosion of awesome because we were completely opposite.

It could have been something beautiful but it was not to be.

I think it is going to take a VERY special person to deal with my fiercely passionate nature. Some men just aren’t ready for this jelly what can I say? Haha

Who does God have in mind for me? I have no idea. I feel like I will recognize him when I see him because I know exactly what I’m looking for. I thought this man could possibly be the one. We seemed to jive so well. I tossed out the proverbial fleece so-to-speak and asked God to make it wet with dew while the ground remained dry.

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But maybe God’s answer to that prayer was to allow the car accident because He may have been protecting me from something that wasn’t supposed to happen? Have you ever seen the movie “The Adjustment Bureau?” You know how one little kiss sealed their fate as lifelong lovers? Maybe this man coming to visit me would be the incident that began the road to a destiny God did not have in His plan.

I will say this to comfort myself in these times that try the soul. (*Said in Anne of Green Gable’s voice*)

Embracing Singleness

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I finally gave up on my crush ever returning my feelings. Okay, I’ll admit there is still a little dash of hope lurking somewhere in the dark recesses of my heart. What can I say? I’m the most optimistic person I know.

Alas, I signed up for online dating. Why? Because seriously, how long do I have to wait for you, Honey, before a girl like me can move on?

Apparently more than five months… and I’d literally wait YEARS for him if he gave me even a tattered shred of threadbare hope.

“Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without words

And never stops at all”

~Emily Dickinson~

But he is a godly gentleman and he doesn’t lead people on so he hasn’t and won’t ever give false hope. Now I’m just trying to find a man on his level of awesomeness.

 

Less than five minutes after I uploaded a picture to my online dating profile I had 147 messages in my mailbox.   I remember thinking to myself, “Self? Your time of singleness is over.” I was at first excited about this new adventure especially after seeing messages with pick-up lines such as the ones below:

  • “How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl on this site?”
  • “Seriously, how in the world are you not yoked with a man of God?! Are Tucson men just blind to how incredible you are?”
  • “You are GORGEOUS. You must have a million guys after you.”
  • “You are too good to be true. Are you real?”
  • “Your energy is contagious and your love for God shines.”

But I quickly became discouraged when none of the gentlemen in Tucson seemed to be what I was looking for.

Except my crush.

And of course the website flashed it in my face every day that were were 99% compatible and that he was online RIGHT NOW, probably talking to other girls, too.

So my rules were:

1.) No initiating conversation. Never be the first one to suggest exchanging phone numbers or meeting in person. Let the man lead.

2.) Don’t even bother to reply to messages if you’re not initially attracted to the person’s picture. There’s no need to get people’s hopes up if you’re just not attracted physically.

3.) If he doesn’t say God is the most important thing in his life or if his answers to the questions don’t reflect that, again, don’t bother replying.

4.) Don’t even waste your time with men who say “MIGHT want kids.” Our eggs is a-shrivelin’ up, Honey Chile!

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6.) Pray without ceasing. If it doesn’t feel right in your spirit, walk away. 

 7.) Remember that God desires to give me good things. He loves me and WILL provide in His perfect timing. Rest in Him. 

So the first guy I talked to seemed perfect on paper… but then when we talked on the phone he said that he was only just married last month… “but don’t worry about that,” he assured me. “I’ve grieved over the loss, my heart is healed, and I’m over her and ready to move on.” I nearly choked on my own tongue. “Thank you for being so honest,” I replied. “That’s honorable of you to mention up front. However, it’s a red flag to me that if you truly are done mourning the death of your marriage so soon after its demise. The only thing I could possibly be to you right now is a rebound. I’m sorry, but this cannot go any further.”

That was the end of that.

Then there was an amazing guy who was even more perfect for me on paper than the one above. He was gorgeous, shared many of my hobbies and interests including salsa dancing,  was intelligent, witty, musically gifted, and made me laugh.

He was very slow to meet me in person and I was growing impatient because everyone else I began talking to had already asked to meet me in person and he was the only one who hadn’t yet and also the only one I really wanted to meet anyway. I MIGHT have nudged him a little bit even though one of my rules was to let the man lead. Mistake number one. It worked though! And he asked me out the very next day.

We went on a date that I thought couldn’t have been more perfect… he actually sat there grilling me with questions and covered all the bases I could ever think of even right down to what my love language was, my communication style, how often I desired to be physically intimate after marriage, how many kids I wanted to have and when I wanted to start having them. It seemed we were compatible on absolutely everything because he kept saying, “Good! Me too,” and high-fiving me. Then at the end of the date when I said it was a pleasure to meet him he said, “Oh no, the pleasure is entirely mine. It was truly an honor to meet you.” I thought we were definitely going to make babies together–bahahahaha just kidding! (But like, maybe a little bit)

Unfortunately, I had to wait with bated breath for a text or email for what seemed like an eternity (which was really only about four days but in online-dating-time that just seems like a lifetime.) In his email he wrote that he could get lost in my “beautiful blue eyes all day long” but that he “didn’t feel God meant for us to be together.”  What a heartbreaking rejection. I wrote back that I respected his sincere honesty and for doing it sooner rather than later. I also asked if he felt comfortable sharing what made him feel that way about us but he never wrote back and so the reason for the death of our romance so quickly kindled and so swiftly doused may haunt my waking thoughts for the foreseeable future.

Then I “met” the most amazing man I may have ever met in my life. We talked on the phone for seven hours our first time speaking to one another and even though he’s from India, a culture so completely different from mine, I felt like we could have grown up together because we were so similar. (Being a devoted disciple of Jesus Christ plays a huge part in that.)  His grandfather is the founder of Hopegivers International, which is an organization that helps rescue orphans and at risk children from abuse, sex trafficking, and abandonment. They provide for all their needs, shower them in love, and introduce them to their heavenly Father. He owns some of the “Hope Homes” in his name and is truly one of the most caring and loving individuals I’ve ever met and I already told him that if it doesn’t work out with him romantically that I’m keeping him in my life forever and ever because he’s my beloved brother in Christ and I feel a deep spiritual connection to him.

I also met this sweet, adorable Asian guy who is incredibly easy to get along with and really fun to be around. I feel like we would have some amazing adventures together and I also feel like he would spoil me rotten if I ever became something more than a friend to him.

Okay so then the next guy I am meeting in less than an hour. I have seen him before a couple times at the gym I used to go to. He’s this super buff guy, 6’1″, green eyes… basically a head-turner. I never talked to him because A.) I just go to the gym to do my thang, I don’t really interact with people all that much and B.) I thought he was way out of my league. Plus C.) this was during the time I was still trying desperately to win my husband’s heart back. I know what you must be thinking, “WHY? He was so AWFUL to you, why would you want him back?” Well…

 

people always do crazy things when they’re in love.

The rest of the relationships I’m juggling are all long distance… there are no other ones in Tucson who have messaged me that I am interested in. I’m just keeping my options open at this point and keeping things really casual and nothing too serious unless the Lord whispers something to my heart.

WISH ME LUCK! *Gets purse*

………………………………………………………………..

I just got back from my date and let me tell you… it literally could not have gone any better. We seem to have all the same goals and priorities and we are attracted to one another. We have ridiculous amounts in common and whether or not this works out romantically I can definitely see him fitting into my friend group as he is someone I’d love to have as a friend for life.

He straight up told me I’m his dream woman and everything he wants. And he told me at the end of the date that he couldn’t wait to see me again. So this is either VERY GOOD if it’s God’s will to let him pursue me or VERY BAD because if it isn’t God’s will, He better tell me quick because I can see it headed in that direction unless God puts a road block in our path.

The number one thing I love about him is his genuineness. He’s extremely open and honest and puts everything out on the table. That is not only refreshing but also extremely attractive. He shared with me many of his flaws and strangely, I was not put off by them. I’m still going to keep my guard up and watch for red flags, but I’m already starting to trust him and feel very comfortable around him.

I’m relieved he didn’t try to kiss me at the end of the date. I was sort of worried he might but he probably did his homework by reading the questions in which I had answered  that I didn’t like to kiss until we were in an established, exclusive relationship. Or maybe he’s a lot like me in that mentality. 🙂

Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you that if you are still single and really want to find the love of your life, this verse may be of some comfort to you:

“Godliness with contentment is great gain.” -1 Timothy 6:6

Contentment is peace and joy in your current circumstances. It is the freedom from worry, fear, anxiety, and greed. It is wholeness. It is accepting your situation and being satisfied with what God has given you. Maybe you desire more, but you’re truly happy with where you are in this time even if you don’t receive more.

As my sister told me before I started this online dating process: “Are you really trusting God to use the internet as a vehicle for bringing the one He has for you or are you trusting yourself for it to work out?

She reminded me that I have a tendency to be controlling because I like everything to go my way. I tend to plan things out and live in the future and get extremely disappointed when things don’t turn out as I had hoped. She told me to be extra careful because I wear my heart on my sleeve and get carried away by my emotions when I fall for someone.

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Doubt and fear are a direct mistrust in God’s provision and goodness and faithfulness.  There is no fear in love. If you’re worrying about being single and not finding the one you want to spend the rest of your life loving, then you are not trusting God’s sovereignty and omnipotence. If you’re looking online for handsome men you feel a connection with but you’re not bathing every second of your interactions with prayer, then you’re trying to “fix your singleness” yourself apart from God and without God, nothing can go right.


Oh, and the disappointment? Yeah. There is going to be a lot of that if you are anything like me and get rejected by someone you start having feelings for. I assure you, though, God knows best and if someone is not the BEST life teammate for you then God is going to withhold that from you because He has someone even better in mind for you than you could ever imagine for yourself.