Men Don’t Know What They Want

This is what I wrote in my journal on January 7th:

What does my future husband want in a woman?

He wants someone strong, independent, comfortable in her own skin, who knows what she wants. Madly in love with Jesus, excited about this gift called life and passionate about her goals and dreams. She loves people and loves to have fun, singing, dancing, and joking around with a laugh that reverberates off the walls. She is refreshingly honest and won’t sugar coat the truth. She has a fiesty, larger than life personality but she’s also a good listener, an encourager, a faithful lover, a hopeless romantic who would do ANYTHING for the one she loves.

For some, I’m a little too much woman to handle. I need to find a man who wants this woman and I need to stop falling for men who want someone else. I vow to be myself, not apologize for being myself or wish I were someone else because the man who is looking for ME will only find me when I’m not hiding who I truly am.

Right after I wrote the above encouragement to myself, I went to a birthday party that very night in which I saw a man who I met back in October and saw one other time previously at a Christmas party.

Even though we had only met twice before this, we already had several inside jokes and were very comfortable around each other.

For the sake of anonymity, we’ll just call him Heathcliff Dudley Worthington III, because that’s the most pretentious name I can dream up even though he’s not very pretentious at all; he’s warm, welcoming, and unassuming.

I hadn’t even been at the party for ten minutes when a girl there told me to, and I quote, “Calm down.” I could have just toned it down a notch or two but instead, I declared to the whole room that my New Year’s Resolution was to be fearless and to be myself and so I wasn’t going to let her or anyone else crush my energetic spirit. I was happy and having a good time, dang it, and no one was going to put a damper on my enjoyment. I read a quote somewhere once that said, “Don’t let someone dim your light simply because you’re shining in their eyes.”

After my little speech Heathcliff whispered in my ear, “I admire that. I think that’s good.” I instantly respected him.

We were heavily flirting into the night to the point where he swept me up off my feet in front of all my friends, carried me across the room, and tossed me on the couch. This sort of euphoric glee permeated my being and in that moment I decided I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. (Some people might call that sexual harassment and it probably would have easily classified as such for it was certainly unsolicited, though not undesirable.)

One of my friends put on a movie and I grabbed a spot on the couch as Heathcliff laid by my feet on the floor. He put his hand up very close to where I was sitting and instinctively, I just grabbed it and we held hands for the rest of the night. I got butterflies in my stomach and had to keep telling myself to “calm down,” which is ironic because that’s what my friend told me to do much earlier in the night but I didn’t listen.

Since he has lived and worked on almost every continent, studied abroad, and speaks multiple languages, Heathcliff is cultured, articulate, and has developed refined taste and style. He’s the kind of classy, dapper gentleman who wears well-tailored suits, snug-fitting shirts with the first few buttons un-done, and a sexy fedora hat. Here are just a few of the things I love about him: His sense of humor is slightly roguish in a harmlessly mischievous way, I love how he playfully teases me,  he makes his own facial moisturizer and shaving cream… and it smells like coconut, and he wears the softest, most luxurious underwear made of Turkish cotton (I promise I did not see said underwear; I was only told about it and it sounded delightful.) Also, he has the most drop dead gorgeous smile and succulent lips. Oh, did I mention he spoils me? We went grocery shopping together after church and he paid for my food at the checkout. I couldn’t believe it. I love that he’s upbeat, fun, affectionate, and ridiculously open and honest. He makes me feel so comfortable that I can tell him anything. He washes the dishes every time after I cook us dinner and he gives good massages. He challenges me intellectually, can combat me in a battle of wits, and tackles my psyche in a way few men have ever been able to. This evening, I heard a knock on my door and it was him… he came to my house because he was worried about me when I didn’t answer his calls or texts and he wanted to check on me and make sure I was okay. That was just about the sweetest thing ever. (BTW my phone was dead, charging, and I forgot to turn it on as I was totally absorbed in writing this.) I could probably keep going here with all the reasons he’s wonderful, but I digress.

The point of this whole story is that we had a conversation about where the relationship is going and it turns out it’s not going anywhere. As I’ve stated in previous blog entries, I’ve heard literally every excuse in the book as to why men passionately pursue me for about a week and then change their minds.

Me: “Why don’t you like me?”
Heathcliff: “I DO like you.”
Me: “I know that, but why don’t you want me?”
Heathcliff: “I DO want you.”
Me: “No, you want me SEXUALLY, but you haven’t taken the time to get to know my heart. I think you’re scared to get to know me because you’re scared of falling in love.”
He nodded. I had hit the nail on the head.

Men aren’t stupid. They take longer than women to decide if they want to commit but once they do, they are usually more faithful than women. If he’s in love, he will do anything to keep the woman he loves by his side and he won’t let her get away. Period.

You CAN’T GET to that level of love overnight though. Love, by definiton, takes work and it takes time because it requires deep knowledge of a person. I think it’s true for both men and women that we crave this intimacy but we think we’re going to feel it right away. No, that’s infatuation. True love can only happen after you’ve supported each other through trials, worked through disagreements, and bonded over time in shared activities and conversations.

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If you think you can make someone love you, you’re wrong. You could be the most beautiful, loving, intelligent, wonderful woman in the world but he still could be stuck in his head and not sure if you’re the right one. You know he’s not right for you if he makes you beg for attention, affection, or time. The right person is dying to spend time with you, won’t flake out on his promises and commitments, and will smother you in affection because he adores you.

Let’s say you have been on three dates with a man and you don’t know where it is going. If you DON’T ask him, you’ll potentially be wasting your time going nowhere with a philophobic but if you DO ask you might scare him away with talk of commitment so soon. So sometimes you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But I believe it’s always best to err on the side of caution. Just be upfront because it’s better to be on the same page than wonder where you stand. No one wants to get their heart invested in something that’s not going anywhere.

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As a woman who wastes no time stating up front that marriage is my goal and I don’t date for funzies, men realize right away that I don’t mess around so they take their decision-making more seriously because they don’t want to lead me on or break my heart. Sometimes the selfish ones escape through the cracks because they love being around me and don’t want to stop seeing me but they aren’t interested in anything romantic long-term.

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You might be surprised how many men I’ve gone on a single date with who then discontinued their online dating account the very next day. When I texted them to find out why they replied, “You made me realize I’m not ready for a commitment yet.”(If you are reading this right now and find yourself to be such a man, please read this helpful article entitled: “10 Reasons Men Should Stop Avoiding Commitment.”)

In my personal experience, when men are faced with a beautiful woman who is wife material they realize one of three things fairly quickly:
A.) I’m not ready for a relationship right now, at least not a serious one
B.) This woman is AWESOME but she’s not the type I’m looking for
C.) This could be the woman of my dreams but I’m not sure what I’m looking for

I cannot stress this enough: You don’t need to change for a man. The right person will love you for exactly who you are.  Don’t allow yourself to be played. Be honest about what you want out of the relationship, set firm boundaries and adhere to them. Don’t let yourself get too attached to someone who’s just not that into you and don’t let yourself think you might be able to change his mind.

Here’s a little known secret about men: A lot of them have this fantasy woman in their mind that they hope to fall in love with one day. (This is very true of women, too, but for some reason I feel like men have way higher expectations that are pretty unrealistic in many cases.) Half the men I’ve met don’t know the qualities they’re supposed to be looking for. When I ask them what they’re hoping to find they assume they’ll know once they meet the “right woman” because they’ll get “feelings.”  Ugh. No, you need to figure out what you want BEFORE you meet because the right woman will walk right by you and you won’t even know because you weren’t aware of what you wanted.

Men don’t know what they want. You have to show them. Just keep being yourself!!!eaa3ed7d868e0294c6464974777d4c4e-1

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Is This “the One?”

I read a Christian dating book called “Is This the One?” by Stephen Arterburn and it presented a challenge which I chose to accept called “Take-a-Break-Dating” in which you are to platonically date ten different men to expand your horizons and see what else it out there. 

So my rules were simple:

-Don’t seek out the date. Always let him ask you and no saying “no” to the date unless he gives off creepy vibes and you don’t feel safe.

-Make sure he knows it’s a platonic date right up front so you’re both on the same wavelength.

-No matter how badly you are tempted to, you must not kiss no matter how amazing the date went.

(Let me begin by saying that I use the word “date” very loosely. In the majority of these cases, our get together was very much like two friends enjoying one another’s company.)

That being said, I went above and beyond the challenge and went on 30 platonic dates. Many of the men were sweet, thoughtful, respectful, kindhearted, gentle, honest, intelligent, witty, affectionate, well-spoken communicators and great listeners. Many of them were handsome and a couple of them were drop dead gorgeous. A few of them spoiled me rotten and made me feel like a queen. However, a couple of the dates were a complete waste of time, unfortunately, and I came away having a hard time coming up with anything nice to say about the person no matter how hard I tried to think of something.

Out of the 30 dates, only a small handful I can honestly say were on the same page as me faith-wise. One of my favorite dates had this to say over dinner and I think it perfectly sums up my experience with most of the men:

“The only thing I don’t like about you is that you’re too good for me. You’re more faithful to God and more spiritual and that’s actually not a problem with you but a problem with me.”

I must be honest and admit that I didn’t follow ANY of my rules. I ended up breaking them all at some point. Please allow me to explain:

-Number 30 was someone who I absolutely could not resist asking on a date myself. I bent this rule for him only. I know that no one is perfect but to tell the truth I have yet to find a flaw in him. He is the only one out of all 30 men that I could see myself dating romantically when the time is right but he does not feel the same way about me. He has set the bar high for “the one.” He has ruined this whole game for me because after getting to know him, no one else can quite compare.

-I failed to mention on a couple dates that it was platonic. Maybe I was so excited I forgot to or maybe I was afraid of friend-zoning someone amazing that could one day blossom into something more.

-Yes. I kissed a couple of them. Yes, I, Saving-My-First-Kiss-For-Marriage Dannielle, kissed a boy on a first date. I promise to be a good girl from now on and my next kiss will be someone super special that I’m in a committed relationship with.

Without further ado, here are some fun pie charts for those curious about the statistics of my dates.

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In order to be placed in the “Christian” category, date had to self-identify as Christian but failed to correctly answer an important question about salvation that I feel would justify him being a true Christian. The ones who fell into neither category are those who straight up told me they were either atheist or agnostic which were 5 men in total.

One of my 30 dates passed the faith test but when asked who he would like to marry, he answered, “As long as she loves me, it doesn’t matter if she’s not a Christian.” You can clearly see where his heart is when it comes to spiritual intimacy and oneness. I was REALLY disappointed by this one because up until that moment, he was someone I could have seen myself falling in love with.

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This one is totally for funzies because honestly I believe we are all one race… the human race. Conversation I had last night with a friend:

Him: You don’t like dark meat?
Me: Oh, I LOVE dark meat… just not on my plate!  😉

My pie chart is sadly lacking in the brown sugar department.

ageofdate Wow. This one actually blew my mind. I am surprised to visually see the break down of my date’s ages.

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Now this is just a heartbreaking pie graph. Notice how NOT ONE guy I dated was found in church. I supposed I could count ONE guy but I placed him in the mutual friend category instead because he was both. If you want to get technical, all the guys in the mall category were also work… I was working at the mall at the time when guys came up to me all the time and asked me for a date. But the true work category is actual co-workers. The “other” category includes fun places such as a Crisis Pregnancy Resource Center fund raiser and a storage unit, the former of which has become one of my best friends. The category where I’ve found the most amazing Christian men is salsa dancing. At this point, I have a better chance of meeting my future husband dancing than I do at church!

In conclusion, I learned a lot from my experience. The most valuable thing I learned was how to interact with the various different personality types. They are all so vastly different and communication styles that work for one will not work for another. Some personality types clash with mine such as those who are excessively sarcastic, those who don’t have a clear vision for their future, and those who don’t have an active lifestyle.

I learned that there are a lot of single “Christian” men who don’t go to church. Not ONE unmarried man over the age of 18 has set foot in my church in five years. This is a huge problem when trying to meet eligible, like-minded men with the same vision and same passion for Jesus Christ. I’d really like to know the reason for men’s spiritual lethargy.

I should caveat my next few paragraphs with the fact that I believe God desires good things for my life and is fully capable of delivering. If God wants me to get re-married, He’ll bring the right one into my life at the right time.

Now, let’s discuss the “meat market!” One report puts the number of “marriageable men” (that is, never having married, no children yet, & has gainful employment) at 152 marriageable men for every 100 marriageable women (source). According to this study, there are more than enough good men to go around. But the study doesn’t measure faith as a factor. If you go to any church, I guarantee you that most of the pews have butts in them that belong to single women. At my church, the majority of the people who attend are single women. There aren’t any single men at all… and even a couple married women members attend without their husbands. A recent study put the number at 25% of married women who attend church without their husbands in tow (source). This same source claims that a typical congregation in the U.S. is 61% female and only 39% male. The participants in activities during the middle of the week are attended by an overwhelming 70-80% of females. I have some friends in their early 40s who finally found each other and tied the knot. I have an uncle who tied the knot recently in his 40s as well… and he had to find my aunt online… and she lived in another state. Why is it taking this long for people to find their “helper suitable?”

If I keep doing what I’m doing (waiting for a guy to come along) I have a feeling I’m going to experience a lot of the same thing… waiting for a guy to come along. There are some things I could change about my lifestyle such as switching churches or joining a Bible study at another church but I REALLY LOVE my church and my schedule is kind of jam packed right now to add anything else to it. Besides, I wouldn’t want to join a Bible study with the intent to find a husband… I’d rather join to study the Bible with other believers.

The only thing I can think of doing right now is continue to pray for my future husband. Pray his faith grow and strengthen, pray for his well-being, and that he will find me soon. I also pray every day for Date #30 that if it’s God’s will, he’ll change his mind about friend zoning me 😉

It has been more than three years since my ex-husband left me and it will be one full year since we’ve been divorced on May 21st. That is when I plan to start dating romantically, should the Lord bring the right one into my life. However, I kind of promised myself I’d read through the entire Bible again before I started this journey. I better get cracking…