Fertility Fears & More Sevens

I am reading through the Bible in one year. So far I have kept up faithfully and made up the daily reading the next day if I missed one. I came across something in Genesis that is very poignant as I turn 35 this year, the year doctors say women begin having complications with pregnancy (source).

I noticed that Abraham was 86 when he had Ishmael. He wasn’t worried at all that he wouldn’t be able to have children as this was an acceptable time back in his day to be able to bear children. When Sarah offered her handmaid Hagar at age 76 as a solution to her dilemma, notice that she didn’t say “I am old,” as the reason she couldn’t get pregnant. Instead, she said, “The Lord has prevented me from having children,” because before that she and her husband had been trying to conceive. However, 14 years must have made a huge difference in fertility because then at 100 and 90 years old, Abraham laughs at God telling him that he and Sarah would have a son come next year (Genesis 17:17).

If you read Genesis 11, you will see a long list of people with the age they were at the time of their first child being born and how long they lived after that. Adam had Seth at age 130 and Adam lived to 930. Noah had his first son at 500! Noah lived to 950. There were not that many generations between Noah and Abraham (who lived to 175) but their lifespans started to gradually shorten. My guess is that people noticed the trend of living shorter and shorter lives so they began having children younger and younger.

If you are interested, Noah’s son Shem wasn’t worried about old age because he didn’t have his first son Arpachshad until he was 100. He had many children after that and lived until he was 600 and then died. Arpachshad lived until 411 and had his first son at 35. I must be the biggest Bible dork (besides my friend Valerie who tops them ALL) but I made this chart to visualize the fact that people were increasingly worried about their fertility after the flood.

Name Years Lived Age upon having first child
Shem 600 100
Arpachshad 411 35
Shelah 406 30
Eber 463 34
Peleg 239 30
Reu 239 32
Serug 230 30
Nahor 148 29
Terah 275 70

Now, you can see Terah is living on the wild side and waits until he is 70 before he gives birth to what I can only understand from the text to be triplets: good old Father Abraham (who had many sons) and his two brothers Haran and Nahor (not to be confused with his grandpa Nahor.)

Anyway, all of this to say, that I was already freaking out about 2020 being so soon on the horizon and now it is here. I am still alone and I still have no prospects for marriage. It is probably time I start reconciling myself to never being able to smell the scent of my newborn baby’s skin snuggled against my breast. I want this with every fiber of my being and I cry out to the Lord to be able to experience this before it is too late.

Brianna Wilbur Photography

God bless all the well-meaning people of the world, but if one more person uses Sarah as an example of being able to have children in old age someone is gunna have a broken nose! (Not really but UGH!) She lived during a time when it was laughable that a 90 year old woman might have a baby, but it was still possible. Nowadays, it is possible to have a baby after 45 but very, very, very rare.

I am so incredibly conflicted by Gretchen Louise’s advice not to rush and my very real biological timeline that threatens to derail my future motherhood by my desire to wait for a desirable husband. I will repost her advice here for you.

Advice in the Season of Waiting

1. Don’t rush.

Marriage is not a place at which you will “arrive” but a season which will come in His time.

2. Don’t spend all your time wishing you were married.

Marriage is not the end goal of life.

3. Don’t sit around waiting for your man to come.

Marriage is not your highest calling.”

4. Don’t fall in love.

True love is a plant of slow growth which will be the sweeter for strong roots and a sure foundation.

5. Don’t marry for the sake of marriage alone.

‘Tis better to be single than to wish you were.

6. Don’t rush.

It takes time to prove the mettle of a man, and only time will reveal a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

7. You will marry a sinner.

Open your eyes wide to his faults and think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life living with those imperfections magnified one hundred-fold.

8. Listen to the counsel of those who know and love you both.

They can see red flags that are invisible from your perspective.

9. Marry a friend.

Most of married life is lived side by side, not face to face.

10. Don’t rush.

You will have the rest of your lives together.

Being married to your best friend is worth the wait.

I know I said I would let 2020 be sabbatical year and I meant it. Joshua had to walk around the city of Jericho 7 days to make those freaking walls come down. If he had given up on the 5th day or the 6th day because the French peas were jeering and taunting him singing “Keep walking, but you won’t knock down our wall. Keep walking, but she isn’t gonna fall! It’s plain to see your brains are very small to think walking will be knocking down our wall.” (Veggie Tales reference!)  I have to have faith that this year I will tear down that stupid wall blocking me from my dreams if I have faith in God and rest in His provision.

Noah was in the stinking ark smelling elephant poop for months. But in the 7th month on the 17th day, the ark finally rested on Mount Ararat. He waited and waited some more until the flood waters went down, wondering if he would be cooped up with crazy apes and complaining family members with cabin fever and claustrophobia forever. He sent out the dove but she came right back, not finding a place to rest. He waited 7 days and sent her out again and she returned with an olive branch in her beak. (Olive trees represent PEACE.) Then Noah waited 7 more days and sent the dove back out again, but this time, she did not return because she found a nice new home in a tree somewhere. I need to have PEACE in my heart that if I just keep waiting, the flood waters I feel I am drowning in will gradually diminish and I will eventually find the future home where I belong.

My Sabbatical Year

I got married on June 7th, 2009. 2020 marks seven years since my husband left me.

Seven is an important number to God and is the most frequent number mentioned in His Word. In fact, the Bible returns 483 results for seven, seventh, sevenfold, etc. (I just realized I am writing this on the seventh day of the month.)

seven

Seven is thought to represent “completion” as the Lord created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. I am thinking about this idea of completion and I am hoping that several things in my life will be completed. One thing that I hope will be completed is my anxiety over my singleness.

ANXIETY

For years I have fretted over the lack of single Christian men and the very real statistical probability that I will end up dying alone because of the sheer lack of marriageable Christian men in church. But what does God say about anxiety?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 4:6-7

My anxiety stems from a lack of trust in God. If God wants to give me a husband then He will. He is a God who is not only able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think (Ephesians 3:20) but as our Father who loves us, He desires to give us good gifts (Matthew 7:11). I guess I’ve been struggling to really internalize this truth.

Another important instance where the number seven shows up in the Bible is when God tells the Israelites to fallow the fields every seven years. The land needs to rest and be left alone to rejuvenate itself. This is so that the fields can produce a better harvest and also so that the poor people would be provided for.


“But on the seventh year you shall let it rest and lie fallow, so that the needy of your people may eat; and whatever they leave the beast of the field may eat. You are to do the same with your vineyard and your olive grove.”

-Exodus 23:11

The phrase “year you shall let it rest” is all one Hebrew word. The word is “shamat” and Blue Letter Bible tells me that the KJV translates it in several different ways including: release, throw down, discontinue, and let rest. I think 2020 is the year that I plow and harrow the soil of my heart, but do not sow seeds in it in order to restore the fertility. There has been so much exhausting toiling to find a husband: joining every dating site I can find online, participating in speed dating events, church hopping and joining Bible studies from different churches, and joining single Christian groups on Facebook. I am doing a lot of planting, but I am not harvesting anything except bitter disappointment and envy that others have what I long for. I hope this will be the year that all my striving ceases, I cast my cares on the Lord, and take up His yoke.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

-Matthew 11:30

DEBT

When my husband left me, I went into a tailspin of financial crisis. He left me with a mountain of debt that I couldn’t begin to pay off with my minimum wage job. I had to downsize to a smaller apartment that I could afford which was stressful because I had to let go of many of my belongings in order to fit into my cramped little home. I struggled living paycheck to paycheck for years and had to count pennies and live with a bare bones budget that did not allow for any entertainment whatsoever.

Leviticus 25 not only talks about the sabbatical year of resting the dirt, but it also talks about the year of Jubilee which takes place in the 50th year (after seven times seven years). In the year of Jubilee, slaves are freed, debts are forgiven, and property that has been taken is restored to the rightful owner’s family. So this year, I pray that I will work hard to pay off all that I owe and be freed from that burden. This year, I hope, is the year my debt will be completed.

SLAVERY

I have been a slave to my emotions for years. I was finally done grieving the loss of my marriage and the future I imagined for us together after about two years, but I am still to this day grieving who I used to be before I got married and the future I could have had if I never married him. I left everything I loved behind when I moved to Arizona in a last ditch effort to save my crumbling marriage: my job, the masters degree I was working toward, my family and my church family I loved. I had to start all over in a new place with no support.

Whereas I never before struggled with lust, sexual temptation became a part of my daily struggles after my husband left me. Whereas I never used to be an envious person, I frequently find envy creeping into my heart when I see happy married couples, especially those with children. I felt angry at God for allowing me to be abused for so many years and I felt disconnected from Him for allowing me to get into that situation in the first place since He knew what would ultimately happen and could have prevented it. As each year that goes by and I am still alone, loneliness threatens to choke me to death. Fears that I will always be alone keep me up late at night crying into my pillow. Resentment at God for letting this happen and for not providing someone else I can be a “helper suitable” to loom over my head and make me feel guilty, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to stop these feelings from growing more and more out of control like pesky weeds.

Ruth got a kinsman redeemer (Ruth 4:13-14 ) and Job was given twice of what he had before (Job 42:10). The people of Israel were restored to them the years that the locusts had eaten (Joel 2:25). Maybe 2020 is the year that I let go of my impatience and anger and I am freed from the chains of resentment, self pity, bitterness, and depression. I need to count my blessings every day and hold on to hope that something beautiful is in my future.

The Seven Steps to Resolving Unbiblical Thoughts and Bad Feelings

1. Confess the sin as I recognize it

– 1 John 1:9

2. Commit to follow Jesus

– Luke 9:23-24

3. Judge myself biblically

– Matthew 7:1-5

4. Love God and love others

– Matthew 22:37-39

5. Practice forgiveness

– Ephesians 4:32

6. Count trials as joy

– James 1:2

7. Pray unceasingly

– Philippians 4:6-7

 

Romance Fast

It has been a long time since I’ve updated Foundations of Sapphires. I am currently on a Romance Fast… indefinitely.

zipperhearts
I have heard the phrase, “You’re my dream woman” and “You’re the woman I’ve prayed to God for my whole life” more times than I would like to count. It seems I’ve found myself in an endless cycle of investing my heart, energy, and time in someone who seems crazy about me in the beginning and then loses interest in the relationship months later.

I need to take time to be alone and do some self discovery. Why do I keep falling for the same type of guy? It’s the same story: the guy begins by sweeping me off my feet in a whirlwind of passion and carries me away with exciting grand gestures and big promises, only for him to break my heart with passivity and complacency not long after. Every single time I think, “This time it will be different.” But it never is.

So… still single. Still trying to figure out why. Will keep you all updated.

Kindred Spirit

At the begining of August I was being pursued by seven different men. I went on at least one date with each of them and began slowly eliminating them. In one week, I went on a date with a different man every day for five days in a row. Then the last two days of that week I went on a second date with two of them.

I honestly like all of them. They are all great guys and I really can’t say anything bad about any of them. One of them was my mailman who has been leaving me thoughtful presents and notes in my mailbox for about a year and a half. Another one was a man I met online who came all the way down from Colorado just to spend the weekend with me.

As amazing as all these men are, none of them felt like I had met “the one…” except one. From this point forward I shall refer to him as “Kindred Spirit.”

From the moment I met Kindred Spirit, I felt as though I had known him my whole life. We immediately clicked in a deep way as if I were getting together with an old childhood friend and reconnecting after not seeing one another for ten years or more.

It sounds so ridiculous writing it down and putting my thoughts out into the world, but I was already excited about him after one date. We stayed up until 2 in the morning talking in a parking lot. I wanted to kiss him. KISS HIM, people! I NEVER want to kiss someone I’ve just met. I was already kind of crazy about him. I couldn’t wait to see him again and thought about him constantly. Being my Kindred Spirit, I somehow knew him just as well as I know myself. I knew that if I texted him too much or came on too strong it would turn him off. He’s an old-fashioned hopeless romantic and he wants to be the one in control who does the pursuing… so I kept praying and being patient and reminding myself not to get too excited.

patience

I have the tendancy to be a bit clingy. It’s mind over matter at this point.

He told me a few days later that there was another girl in the picture who he was also dating. I was immediately disappointed, but it’s only fair to mention I also had two other guys I was still dating at that point.

But I called them last night and told them my affections were with someone else. It’s a risky shot in the dark at this point because of what he told me on our third date two nights ago.

Me: I’m probably sabotaging our relationship by asking you this instead of just having fun, enjoying your company, and making the most of this moment together… but I can’t stop thinking about the “other girl.” How are things going with her?
Kindred Spirit: Really good actually.
Me: Oh. Do you like her romantically?
Kindred Spirit: Yes, I think so, I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know what you want, do you? I feel like you should have a pretty good idea at this point of what you want.
Kindred Spirit: I’ve been praying about it but God’s not answering my prayers.

Well, I just wanted to get back to enjoying our time together so we changed the subject and walked around the park again for a second time. Then we sat in my car and talked some more.

Kindred Spirit: Don’t look at me like that!
Me:
Like how?
Kindred Spirit: Longingly.
I immediately broke eye contact and became embarassed that my heart was dangling like that on my sleeve. He quickly pulled me in an embrace, I suppose out of compassion and empathy for my unrequited love. 
Me: There was a quote in chapter 8 of  “Boundaries in Dating” which I just read at the dentist office the other day which said, “Are you confusing longing for being in love? Remember, love satisfies. It does not leave you romantically pining.”

So that’s it. That’s all I have to say. We didn’t set another date and there might not ever be another date. My greatest fear came to fruition… that I would like him more than he likes me. My heart kind of hurts if I’m honest with you. My other greatest fear is that I won’t find anyone else like him. But at the same time, I completely trust God and I know that I can’t wreck up His beautiful plan for my life. I guess I dumped the other guys more for myself than for Kindred Spirit. It’s completely unfair to myself to have experienced a soul as beautiful as his and then settle for anything less than how I feel about him.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be stuck with someone I didn’t feel that with.

someday

I just feel absolutely blessed to even have met him. He raises the bar high for the next person who tries to pursue me.

My hands are open
Willing to receive
They are not resisting
or defending
My hands are open
Willing to give
No need to grab
or push or cling tightly
My hands are open
Ready to embrace
Ready to let go
Accepting

 

When He Won’t Commit

There is a pandemic in our culture of people who are afraid of commitment. They want the affection and the attention like Charlie Puth sings in this song, but they don’t want to intentionally invest their time because they are afraid of devoting themselves to another person. Commitment has responsibility attached to it and requires consistantly putting another person’s needs above your own.

18013831_229785067501122_5461622332197961728_nAnyone who makes you beg for his time is not someone you want playing on your team. I want someone who not only desires to spend time with me but who is excited to and who considers it a privilege. I want someone who misses me when I’m not there and can’t wait to see me again. I want someone I am proud to show off to my friends and family. I don’t want anything to do with anyone who flakes out when we made plans and leaves me wondering what happened without communicating.
flaky

If you’re involved with someone who makes you feel special some of the time but won’t commit all the way,  you need to get out of that relationship as soon as possible. The reason for the lack of commitment isn’t fear: it’s that he doesn’t love you. When a man loves you he WILL move Heaven and Earth to be right by your side.

A man who won’t put a title on your relationship or make you a priority in his life is just stringing you along. He considers you “Miss Right Now” rather than “Miss Right.” He enjoys your company for the moment but once he finds the woman he really wants, you’ll be an afterthought. If you don’t mind being Miss Right Now, then by all means, continue having fun. However, your heart will probably get invested the longer the relationship continues and it wil hurt excruciatingly once it ends.

You might think you can somehow become that woman he wants or convince him to change his mind about you. Some men know exactly what they want and some men aren’t sure but trust me, if you aren’t already what he wants, he won’t want you. You’re better off finding somebody who already wants somebody just like you.

I keep using he/him-pronouns but women string men along, too, all the time unfortunately. This sad song by Eric Paslay illustrates my point perfectly. Break out the tissues.

The Devil is a LIAR!

April 3rd marked four years of being single. I have been officially single as long as I’ve been married. To commemorate this occasion I had to write another blog entry.

So many of my posts lately have the theme of “love yourself,” like this one here for instance.

There is something I realized about self-esteem: it’s a positive thing in theory to have confidence in your own worth but the devil loves to distort good things because he’s in the business of deception.

I apologize for being part of the problem when our culture lies to us and tells us we need to “love ourselves.”

Don’t get me wrong, we do have inherent value but it’s not because we’ve bestowed it upon ourselves. It’s not even because we’ve reminded ourselves of our intrinsic worth in God’s eyes.

If we go purely based on what God says in His Word, we are extremely precious (Matthew 6:25-34, Luke 12:6-7) because we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-16)  in His image (Genesis 1:27) for a beautiful purpose (Ephesians 2:10, Jeremiah 29:11) and dearly loved by Him (Romans 5:8, Romans 8:32, John 3:16).

We can stand in the mirror all day and recite self affirmations, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!” Doing this every day when you wake up in the morning and before you go to bed might even give you a strong sense of being loved, but this is not the way to truly experience the fullness of God’s love.

Yes, I do love myself, maybe even so much that one might say it borders on pride. (The negative kind.) My pride was brought down a peg or two when my good friend Jamie helped me to realize that I had been listening to the devil’s lies again. See, the devil likes to attack us where we are strong. I happen to have a lot of self confidence so the devil decided to twist this and use it against me.

After a series of dates with men who are not my spiritual equal I was beginning to feel a little puffed up. (I guess I felt like it was better than feeling chronically frustrated and disappointed.) I mean, it’s hard not have your ego stroked when a guy tells you, “You are an amazing person… I consider myself Christian and live Christian values but obviously I’m not at the same level you are with your devotion.” This has happened to me countless times that it’s starting to become a theme. I’m truly grateful that they notice this and tell me right away because I’m not really good with that whole thing… it sounds pretty judgemental to say “we’re not on the same level” doesn’t it?

One day I woke up and just started feeling sorry for myself. I heard the devil say, “You’re so unique, you’re not ever going to find anyone who is compatible with you. You’re a freak anomaly… even if you did find someone as weird and quirky as you, what are the chances you’d be like-minded? I sat on the pity pot all day and thought about why I’m alone and why I’ll probably always be alone.

analyzing

Then my best friend posted this on her Facebook wall and it gave me a swift kick in the pants. I realized my “woe is me” attitude problem was a serious pride problem, too.

miserablecow

The Bible says no one really hates their own body but nourishes and cherishes it (Ephesians 5:29). We are deeply sensitive to our own needs and feelings and constantly aware of how other people affect us. The reason we are so easily hurt is because we want to be accepted and treated with respect and admiration. If we didn’t care about ourselves then we wouldn’t care if people rejected, neglected, and abused us. No, we do not need to love ourselves… that is an innate, natural thing to do. What we really need to do is DENY OURSELVES. 

Jesus said that “If any of you wants to be My follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow Me” (Matthew 16:24). He also said if you are unwilling to do this then you are not worthy of Him (Matthew 10:28).

Our problem is not that we have poor self-image… it’s that we have a poor image of who God is. Our need is not to love ourselves more but to accept His incredible love for us. We need to give up any idea of what we think we’re here on Earth to do and submit to His plan for our lives. When we abide in His love then we stop focusing on ourselves and instead we begin to shower His love on others instinctively.

I believe it is our pride and selfishness that keeps us from having an intimate relationship with God. Jesus said these chilling words in Matthew 7:21-23, “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of Heaven, but only the one who does the will of My Father who is in Heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and cast out demons in Your name, and do many mighty works in Your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you workers of lawlessness.'” 

I say these things because I feel compelled to. I know I won’t be Miss Popular for saying this but the Christian life is not easy. Many people choose the highway to Hell but the gateway to life is very narrow and only a few ever find it (Matthew 7:14).

“As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died.” (Galatians 6:14)

My prayer for you all who have stuck it out and are still reading this blog entry (thank you, btw) is that you would know how truly, madly, deeply loved you are. Only with the correct view of God’s love will you ever begin to even scratch the surface in understanding how precious you are. I pray you will know that you are worthy of great love and that you wouldn’t be afraid to open your heart to receive it. No one is really afraid of love… people are afraid of rejection, betrayal, and abandonment. But in Christ there is only complete acceptance and faithfulness. I pray you would have confidence in God’s love. He will never let you down and He will never leave you. There is no want to those who trust Him and those who seek Him will lack no good thing. Taste and see that the LORD is good! (Psalm 34:8-10) Not only is He good, but He is ready to forgive and abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon Him. (Psalm 86:5)

“But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know Me and understand that I am the LORD who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the LORD, have spoken!” (Jeremiah 9:24)

The Prince

After four dates over the course of a month with a gentleman I will refer only to as The Prince, we ended our relationship last night. As heartbreaking as it was, I kind of expected it. Not because there was anything wrong with him (he was the best guy I’ve dated thus far) and not because I didn’t think I deserved him (I know I am worthy of such a man.) It was because we weren’t compatible.

“If you and I got married, it would be a good marriage… but it wouldn’t be a GREAT marriage.” -The Prince

I asked him why not and he said because I was very “sensuous” and that there wasn’t anything wrong with that but that he simply wasn’t and he didn’t feel that we fit together because of it.

True. In fact, I was concerned before we even went on a single date that this would happen just by looking at the answers to his questions on his online dating profile. However, I decided to be open to the possibility of him despite his shortcomings because he was a drop in the ocean… a one-of-a-kind gentleman that is extremely hard to find, maybe even less than 1% of the population. Someone I was beginning to lose hope still existed in the world… a unicorn if you will.

Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what the mind already knows.

He self-proclaimed through his answers on the dating site that he didn’t care for art, music, poetry, cologne, fashion, or physical touch… which is pretty much everything I live for, especially the latter. I was worried it was doomed from the start seeing as how I am the type of person who always has music playing throughout the day and I’m often found singing or dancing to it. I have a collection of over 300 fragrances and I’m always burning candles or scented oils to keep my home smelling comforting and inviting. My book shelf has a solid section dedicated to poetry and I have several books filled with my own poetry.

“You need to be more picky…” -The Prince

That’s the third time I’ve heard a man say that to me in just six months.

Why are men in my town so darn picky? They want so much… they want their “ideal.” I don’t even think it exists. I’m being reasonable and logical. I know that the man in my head is a figment of my imagination. I know he probably isn’t out there but I know I can get pretty darn close and The Prince was as close as you could possibly get, minus the fact that he’s not touchy-feely. I just don’t think I’d be competely happy in a marriage with someone who didn’t scoop me up all the time and tackle me with kisses.  So he was probably right in letting me go, as sad as I am to say it outloud. I wish I weren’t so needy. I wish I didn’t have such high expectations. I wish the man for me wasn’t such a polar bear in a snow storm.

There were men in the past who were literally perfect but who struggled with porn addiction and that’s something on my non-negotiable checklist. The good news is that I’m getting warmer. The men in my life keep getting better and better, The Prince being the cream of the crop.

What I learned in this relationship is PATIENCE. He was definitely slow to warm up and it taught me complete reliance on God. Rest in Him and wait on Him while trusting in Him. I wanted things to move on my own timetable but I had to keep relaxing and being patient. I also learned the way I am supposed to be treated. I don’t think I’ve ever received such treatment from a man before. I was treated like a queen… never once did he make me feel uncomfortable. He intentionally pursued me, taking his time with me and was polite and kind and gentle and spoke God’s truth in love to me.

After this experience, I’m disappointed but not disenchanted. My heart is weary and wants to take a break but I know that I have to get myself back out there otherwise I’m never going to find my needle in a haystack.

What do you want to be true about your life a year from now, and what seeds do you need to be planting today in order to make that a reality?

I know that I want a man like The Prince… someone who is wise, hardworking, and intelligent. Someone who has hidden the Word of God in his heart, has a deep respect for His commandments and honors the Lord with his choices. I simply did not know there were still single men out there like this! The seeds I can be planting right now to harvest a better future are reading my Bible and praying for my future husband every day, and using the gifts and talents God gave me for His purpose. I need not squander my time but I still need to allow myself quiet rest with the Lord so He can reveal to me His calling.

Also, I need to stop being so hard on myself. I didn’t do anything wrong in my relationship with The Prince… he just wasn’t the one God has for me.

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You Can’t Hurry Love

The Supremes famously sang:

You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You gotta trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

I have the most amazing friends in the world who patiently listen to my rants about online dating. They helped me to see that whenever I determined someone wasn’t a good fit for me, I immediately went back to my messages to see what other fine specimens were out there. I’ve become this type A go-getter that won’t seem to rest until I find my true love.

What a thrill to have a whole world of singles at your fingertips! What fun to meet a different handsome man every week! But I realized that I’ve been rushing furiously from one to the next without really doing much else inbetween.

I haven’t been lacking in dates but the truth is that there hasn’t been a solid match in the 99th percentile of compatibility in the local area in a few months. Maybe I’m just staving off loneliness rather than actually trying to find someone who is compatible with me? Why else do I agree to meet men who I am pretty sure aren’t right for me with the hopes that “Well, maybe I’m wrong, you gotta meet them to make sure?”

Today at church this verse hit me hard:

“Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after the wind.” (Ecclesiastes 4:6)

Romans 12:3 tells me to “Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves” so I decided to do some serious soul-searching. I have been opressing myself by going through this rigmarole of date after date instead of trusting the Author of my love story. He does not put pressure on me to find my future husband myself but asks me to trudge my weary legs to Him and lay this burden at His feet.
img_2577I haven’t looked at my online dating app in several days and I’ve felt more tranquil than I have in weeks. If I trust God for my salvation then surely I can trust Him to provide a life companion.

My friend Jonathan told me something yesterday that has stuck with me:

“Passion without discipline will kill you.”
-Jonathan Bass

 

Men Don’t Know What They Want

This is what I wrote in my journal on January 7th:

What does my future husband want in a woman?

He wants someone strong, independent, comfortable in her own skin, who knows what she wants. Madly in love with Jesus, excited about this gift called life and passionate about her goals and dreams. She loves people and loves to have fun, singing, dancing, and joking around with a laugh that reverberates off the walls. She is refreshingly honest and won’t sugar coat the truth. She has a fiesty, larger than life personality but she’s also a good listener, an encourager, a faithful lover, a hopeless romantic who would do ANYTHING for the one she loves.

For some, I’m a little too much woman to handle. I need to find a man who wants this woman and I need to stop falling for men who want someone else. I vow to be myself, not apologize for being myself or wish I were someone else because the man who is looking for ME will only find me when I’m not hiding who I truly am.

Right after I wrote the above encouragement to myself, I went to a birthday party that very night in which I saw a man who I met back in October and saw one other time previously at a Christmas party.

Even though we had only met twice before this, we already had several inside jokes and were very comfortable around each other.

For the sake of anonymity, we’ll just call him Heathcliff Dudley Worthington III, because that’s the most pretentious name I can dream up even though he’s not very pretentious at all; he’s warm, welcoming, and unassuming.

I hadn’t even been at the party for ten minutes when a girl there told me to, and I quote, “Calm down.” I could have just toned it down a notch or two but instead, I declared to the whole room that my New Year’s Resolution was to be fearless and to be myself and so I wasn’t going to let her or anyone else crush my energetic spirit. I was happy and having a good time, dang it, and no one was going to put a damper on my enjoyment. I read a quote somewhere once that said, “Don’t let someone dim your light simply because you’re shining in their eyes.”

After my little speech Heathcliff whispered in my ear, “I admire that. I think that’s good.” I instantly respected him.

We were heavily flirting into the night to the point where he swept me up off my feet in front of all my friends, carried me across the room, and tossed me on the couch. This sort of euphoric glee permeated my being and in that moment I decided I liked him and wanted to get to know him better. (Some people might call that sexual harassment and it probably would have easily classified as such for it was certainly unsolicited, though not undesirable.)

One of my friends put on a movie and I grabbed a spot on the couch as Heathcliff laid by my feet on the floor. He put his hand up very close to where I was sitting and instinctively, I just grabbed it and we held hands for the rest of the night. I got butterflies in my stomach and had to keep telling myself to “calm down,” which is ironic because that’s what my friend told me to do much earlier in the night but I didn’t listen.

Since he has lived and worked on almost every continent, studied abroad, and speaks multiple languages, Heathcliff is cultured, articulate, and has developed refined taste and style. He’s the kind of classy, dapper gentleman who wears well-tailored suits, snug-fitting shirts with the first few buttons un-done, and a sexy fedora hat. Here are just a few of the things I love about him: His sense of humor is slightly roguish in a harmlessly mischievous way, I love how he playfully teases me,  he makes his own facial moisturizer and shaving cream… and it smells like coconut, and he wears the softest, most luxurious underwear made of Turkish cotton (I promise I did not see said underwear; I was only told about it and it sounded delightful.) Also, he has the most drop dead gorgeous smile and succulent lips. Oh, did I mention he spoils me? We went grocery shopping together after church and he paid for my food at the checkout. I couldn’t believe it. I love that he’s upbeat, fun, affectionate, and ridiculously open and honest. He makes me feel so comfortable that I can tell him anything. He washes the dishes every time after I cook us dinner and he gives good massages. He challenges me intellectually, can combat me in a battle of wits, and tackles my psyche in a way few men have ever been able to. This evening, I heard a knock on my door and it was him… he came to my house because he was worried about me when I didn’t answer his calls or texts and he wanted to check on me and make sure I was okay. That was just about the sweetest thing ever. (BTW my phone was dead, charging, and I forgot to turn it on as I was totally absorbed in writing this.) I could probably keep going here with all the reasons he’s wonderful, but I digress.

The point of this whole story is that we had a conversation about where the relationship is going and it turns out it’s not going anywhere. As I’ve stated in previous blog entries, I’ve heard literally every excuse in the book as to why men passionately pursue me for about a week and then change their minds.

Me: “Why don’t you like me?”
Heathcliff: “I DO like you.”
Me: “I know that, but why don’t you want me?”
Heathcliff: “I DO want you.”
Me: “No, you want me SEXUALLY, but you haven’t taken the time to get to know my heart. I think you’re scared to get to know me because you’re scared of falling in love.”
He nodded. I had hit the nail on the head.

Men aren’t stupid. They take longer than women to decide if they want to commit but once they do, they are usually more faithful than women. If he’s in love, he will do anything to keep the woman he loves by his side and he won’t let her get away. Period.

You CAN’T GET to that level of love overnight though. Love, by definiton, takes work and it takes time because it requires deep knowledge of a person. I think it’s true for both men and women that we crave this intimacy but we think we’re going to feel it right away. No, that’s infatuation. True love can only happen after you’ve supported each other through trials, worked through disagreements, and bonded over time in shared activities and conversations.

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If you think you can make someone love you, you’re wrong. You could be the most beautiful, loving, intelligent, wonderful woman in the world but he still could be stuck in his head and not sure if you’re the right one. You know he’s not right for you if he makes you beg for attention, affection, or time. The right person is dying to spend time with you, won’t flake out on his promises and commitments, and will smother you in affection because he adores you.

Let’s say you have been on three dates with a man and you don’t know where it is going. If you DON’T ask him, you’ll potentially be wasting your time going nowhere with a philophobic but if you DO ask you might scare him away with talk of commitment so soon. So sometimes you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. But I believe it’s always best to err on the side of caution. Just be upfront because it’s better to be on the same page than wonder where you stand. No one wants to get their heart invested in something that’s not going anywhere.

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As a woman who wastes no time stating up front that marriage is my goal and I don’t date for funzies, men realize right away that I don’t mess around so they take their decision-making more seriously because they don’t want to lead me on or break my heart. Sometimes the selfish ones escape through the cracks because they love being around me and don’t want to stop seeing me but they aren’t interested in anything romantic long-term.

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You might be surprised how many men I’ve gone on a single date with who then discontinued their online dating account the very next day. When I texted them to find out why they replied, “You made me realize I’m not ready for a commitment yet.”(If you are reading this right now and find yourself to be such a man, please read this helpful article entitled: “10 Reasons Men Should Stop Avoiding Commitment.”)

In my personal experience, when men are faced with a beautiful woman who is wife material they realize one of three things fairly quickly:
A.) I’m not ready for a relationship right now, at least not a serious one
B.) This woman is AWESOME but she’s not the type I’m looking for
C.) This could be the woman of my dreams but I’m not sure what I’m looking for

I cannot stress this enough: You don’t need to change for a man. The right person will love you for exactly who you are.  Don’t allow yourself to be played. Be honest about what you want out of the relationship, set firm boundaries and adhere to them. Don’t let yourself get too attached to someone who’s just not that into you and don’t let yourself think you might be able to change his mind.

Here’s a little known secret about men: A lot of them have this fantasy woman in their mind that they hope to fall in love with one day. (This is very true of women, too, but for some reason I feel like men have way higher expectations that are pretty unrealistic in many cases.) Half the men I’ve met don’t know the qualities they’re supposed to be looking for. When I ask them what they’re hoping to find they assume they’ll know once they meet the “right woman” because they’ll get “feelings.”  Ugh. No, you need to figure out what you want BEFORE you meet because the right woman will walk right by you and you won’t even know because you weren’t aware of what you wanted.

Men don’t know what they want. You have to show them. Just keep being yourself!!!eaa3ed7d868e0294c6464974777d4c4e-1

The Craziest Thing I’ve Done for Love

 

After my date with Dream Guy I could not get him off my mind and I could not stop thinking “what if.” WHAT IF he was “the one?” What if we had more time to figure it out? I  might kick myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t find out.

The day after Christmas he asked me to be his date to a New Year’s Eve ball in San Francisco to celebrate 2016 and usher in 2017. How could I say “no” when he offered to pay for the whole trip, including the gas money to get there and back? So I said “yes” to the most romantic date in my life.

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First of all I must say it’s been a dream of mine to visit California since I was a little girl and I’ve only ever been to the LAX airport for a connecting flight which totally doesn’t count so this was a dream vacation of mine come true.

It took me nearly 14 hours to drive there but it was worth it when I got to hold him in my arms again and look into those bright, playful hazel eyes.

The first thing we did was wine tasting in Livermore Valley at Tenuta Vineyards. My favorite out of ten wines was a Syrah called “Black Mamba.”

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We took the Bart (Bay Area Rapid Transit) to San Fran and dropped our bags off at a gloriously posh hotel with funky, celebrity-designed suites called Hotel Triton. The decor was as unique and colorful as my personality.

 

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(For anyone concerned about what happened in said suite, don’t worry, he is a wholesome Christian gentleman with honorable biblical values. )

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The internet calls San Francisco’s #1 New Year’s Eve party the International Ball at the Palace Hotel,  which is ranked as one of the top luxury hotels in the world. It’s located in the heart of downtown with ten different world-renowned DJs playing top 40, hip hop, latin, dance, house, and techno music in separate opulently-decorated rooms. There were live performances by musical artists such as an electric violinist in the techno room and people in elaborate costumes walking around the dance floor on stilts. I grabbed a champagne and a screwdriver at the open bar and we danced for an hour and a half straight, people moving to make room for us and cheering us on as we tore up the dance floor.  I felt like no one in that whole room was having more fun than us. At the count down to midnight, thousands of balloons dropped from the soaring glass-domed ceiling as we shared our first kiss. Unless someone was getting engaged, no one in the whole world was having more fun than us at that moment.

He took my hand and guided me out of the room and next to a full-length mirror where we stood looking into each other’s eyes. He nodded his head toward our reflection.

“We look really great together, don’t we?” He asked, his eyes shining with excitement.

I looked at the two happy people in the mirror and I had to agree. “Yeah, we do.”

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“You’re my dream woman,” he said. I smiled. “I know it’s crazy because I live in Maryland but we could make it work. I swear it’s not the alcohol talking… but will you be my girlfriend?” I felt my eyebrows raise in surprise. I had imagined, of course, what my life might be like as his girlfriend, but I hadn’t spent much time considering it. I was mostly focused on just having a great time in San Francisco and I honestly didn’t think he’d ask me to be his girlfriend so soon in our brief relationship. We hadn’t yet spent a full 24 hours together at that point. There was so much I needed to know about him. For instance, in his Navy job, did he have deployments? How often were they and for what duration?  I’ve experienced the life of a Navy wife so I know just how hard it is. I searched his eyes trying to come up with a reply. The word “yes” dangled on the tip of my tongue but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I hate to admit it but the face of my Ultimate Crush uninvitedly flashed into my mind. Saying “yes” would be saying goodbye to the possibility of ever having a chance with him, even though he’s made it clear he only feels friendship toward me. I also thought about how hard it would be to have a long distance relationship because I’ve done that, too, and it’s not always fun. “You still haven’t said yes,” he said in a hushed tone, waiting expectantly for my answer. “I need to pray about it,” I said finally. “Can I have a night to pray and sleep on it?” He didn’t seem too pleased but he respected my decision.

The next morning, we had brunch at an upscale American restaurant called Bluestem Brasserie.

We toured San Francisco and saw the Full House from the TV show of the same name and got chocolate on Beach Street where you could see ships in the harbor and the Golden Gate Bridge not too far away.

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He would go on to tell me that my hesitation killed the spark for him. I didn’t say it then but the truth is that if a little hesitation can kill a spark then it wasn’t a very strong spark to begin with. I’m afraid that we’re just not right for one another despite being so perfect on paper. If he had been the right man for me I probably would have shouted a resounding “yes” at the top of my lungs, Navy or no Navy, distance or not. Later on I discovered a dealbreaker. It wasn’t astronomical, it was something he could work on, but it was still something I want taken care of BEFORE I enter a commited relationship.

“I’m sorry, I’m an impulsive person.” He apologized. “I shouldn’t have asked you to be my girlfriend. It wasn’t fair to you since you just met me.”

“Please don’t be sorry. You did what you thought was right in the moment. You were just following your heart.” He assured me that I was beautiful and wonderful and that he knew I would make someone an amazing wife someday but it wasn’t him. We embraced and went our separate ways.

Before I drove back to Tucson I visited my pen pal since I was twelve who only lives half an hour from San Francisco. American Girl Magazine hooked us up back in 1997 and the last time we saw each other was 2011 in New York City so it was a long time coming. We trash talked each other in an epic game of Scrabble over wine (in which I won by 9 points!) and it was such a great night.

Now I am sitting at home writing this with with a head cold. The whole weekend was spectacularly magical and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was the best New Year’s I’ve ever had with one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met who gave me a romantic night to remember for always. Someday I’ll tell my grandchildren that I drove all the way to California for a man I just met in the hopes that maybe I would find the love of my life.

Sometimes you have to follow your heart and sometimes it’s not meant to be, but I can’t let disappointments keep me from playing the Game of Love.

To sweeten up this bittersweet ending, Corvette Guy is setting up a blind date for me and his roommate in whom he claims is “perfect” for me so I am looking forward to that but first I have to get rid of this cold and feel better.

“Don’t be deceived by merely the flutter of a heart. Love is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas of spirituality, a commitment that will force you to make some very difficult choices. It is a commitment that demands that you deal with your lust, your greed, your pride, your power, your desire to control, your temper, your patience, and every area of temptation that the Bible clearly talks about. It demands the quality of commitment that Jesus demonstrates in His relationship to us.”

–Ravi Zacharias