Fertility Fears & More Sevens

I am reading through the Bible in one year. So far I have kept up faithfully and made up the daily reading the next day if I missed one. I came across something in Genesis that is very poignant as I turn 35 this year, the year doctors say women begin having complications with pregnancy (source).

I noticed that Abraham was 86 when he had Ishmael. He wasn’t worried at all that he wouldn’t be able to have children as this was an acceptable time back in his day to be able to bear children. When Sarah offered her handmaid Hagar at age 76 as a solution to her dilemma, notice that she didn’t say “I am old,” as the reason she couldn’t get pregnant. Instead, she said, “The Lord has prevented me from having children,” because before that she and her husband had been trying to conceive. However, 14 years must have made a huge difference in fertility because then at 100 and 90 years old, Abraham laughs at God telling him that he and Sarah would have a son come next year (Genesis 17:17).

If you read Genesis 11, you will see a long list of people with the age they were at the time of their first child being born and how long they lived after that. Adam had Seth at age 130 and Adam lived to 930. Noah had his first son at 500! Noah lived to 950. There were not that many generations between Noah and Abraham (who lived to 175) but their lifespans started to gradually shorten. My guess is that people noticed the trend of living shorter and shorter lives so they began having children younger and younger.

If you are interested, Noah’s son Shem wasn’t worried about old age because he didn’t have his first son Arpachshad until he was 100. He had many children after that and lived until he was 600 and then died. Arpachshad lived until 411 and had his first son at 35. I must be the biggest Bible dork (besides my friend Valerie who tops them ALL) but I made this chart to visualize the fact that people were increasingly worried about their fertility after the flood.

Name Years Lived Age upon having first child
Shem 600 100
Arpachshad 411 35
Shelah 406 30
Eber 463 34
Peleg 239 30
Reu 239 32
Serug 230 30
Nahor 148 29
Terah 275 70

Now, you can see Terah is living on the wild side and waits until he is 70 before he gives birth to what I can only understand from the text to be triplets: good old Father Abraham (who had many sons) and his two brothers Haran and Nahor (not to be confused with his grandpa Nahor.)

Anyway, all of this to say, that I was already freaking out about 2020 being so soon on the horizon and now it is here. I am still alone and I still have no prospects for marriage. It is probably time I start reconciling myself to never being able to smell the scent of my newborn baby’s skin snuggled against my breast. I want this with every fiber of my being and I cry out to the Lord to be able to experience this before it is too late.

Brianna Wilbur Photography

God bless all the well-meaning people of the world, but if one more person uses Sarah as an example of being able to have children in old age someone is gunna have a broken nose! (Not really but UGH!) She lived during a time when it was laughable that a 90 year old woman might have a baby, but it was still possible. Nowadays, it is possible to have a baby after 45 but very, very, very rare.

I am so incredibly conflicted by Gretchen Louise’s advice not to rush and my very real biological timeline that threatens to derail my future motherhood by my desire to wait for a desirable husband. I will repost her advice here for you.

Advice in the Season of Waiting

1. Don’t rush.

Marriage is not a place at which you will “arrive” but a season which will come in His time.

2. Don’t spend all your time wishing you were married.

Marriage is not the end goal of life.

3. Don’t sit around waiting for your man to come.

Marriage is not your highest calling.”

4. Don’t fall in love.

True love is a plant of slow growth which will be the sweeter for strong roots and a sure foundation.

5. Don’t marry for the sake of marriage alone.

‘Tis better to be single than to wish you were.

6. Don’t rush.

It takes time to prove the mettle of a man, and only time will reveal a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

7. You will marry a sinner.

Open your eyes wide to his faults and think long and hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life living with those imperfections magnified one hundred-fold.

8. Listen to the counsel of those who know and love you both.

They can see red flags that are invisible from your perspective.

9. Marry a friend.

Most of married life is lived side by side, not face to face.

10. Don’t rush.

You will have the rest of your lives together.

Being married to your best friend is worth the wait.

I know I said I would let 2020 be sabbatical year and I meant it. Joshua had to walk around the city of Jericho 7 days to make those freaking walls come down. If he had given up on the 5th day or the 6th day because the French peas were jeering and taunting him singing “Keep walking, but you won’t knock down our wall. Keep walking, but she isn’t gonna fall! It’s plain to see your brains are very small to think walking will be knocking down our wall.” (Veggie Tales reference!)  I have to have faith that this year I will tear down that stupid wall blocking me from my dreams if I have faith in God and rest in His provision.

Noah was in the stinking ark smelling elephant poop for months. But in the 7th month on the 17th day, the ark finally rested on Mount Ararat. He waited and waited some more until the flood waters went down, wondering if he would be cooped up with crazy apes and complaining family members with cabin fever and claustrophobia forever. He sent out the dove but she came right back, not finding a place to rest. He waited 7 days and sent her out again and she returned with an olive branch in her beak. (Olive trees represent PEACE.) Then Noah waited 7 more days and sent the dove back out again, but this time, she did not return because she found a nice new home in a tree somewhere. I need to have PEACE in my heart that if I just keep waiting, the flood waters I feel I am drowning in will gradually diminish and I will eventually find the future home where I belong.

I Traded My Business Suit for a Pair of “Mom Jeans”

The title of this blog entry was my facebook status update on May 14th. It received 56 likes (my new record I think).

I stepped into this new full-time role with only four days to prepare myself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I had no idea that I would have to make such important decisions so quickly like, “am I going to play ‘the tooth fairy’ tomorrow morning?” This is actually very important to me because I don’t want to deceive the children or confuse reality and fantasy, but I also don’t want to dash their hopes and spoil the magic that their parents wanted for them. Another small dilema is that my two girls asked if they could call me “Mom” today. I’ve only been their parent for four days and already they’ve wiggled deep into my heart. If you would have told me one week ago I’d be caring this much for four little munchkins, I might not have believed you. Who knew there was a Mama Bear inside me all these years just waiting to come out? Moms-Night-Out-Quote-400x400

Being a parent is hard work and stressful at times but I feel blessed and honored to have this job. God placed me here for such a time as this. These kids needed a parent and I happened to be in a season of my life where I’m all alone and don’t really have much else going on… so why not? I felt led to ask for the opportunity and the Lord granted me my desire. Psalms 68:5-6 says, “Our God, from Your sacred home You take care of orphans and protect and defend widows. You find families for those who are lonely.” He truly uses broken people to serve other broken people This job was a match made in Heaven for me. I love serving these kids and they’ve touched me in ways I can’t describe and gave my life new purpose and meaning. To think that one year ago I was crying myself to sleep every night and thinking my life was pretty much over.

“They that sow in tears shall reap with songs of joy. They that go forth weeping bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6

ordinaryI have to play the “bag guy” sometimes to get the children to bed on time and I have to be firm but I’m new at this and I’m so thankful for tons of co-workers who live near me with their own house of kids. The campus is like a big family who’s always there for you. I hope I may emulate those who seem to run their households so smoothly.

I have been graced with respectful, obedient children (most of the time) and they all have big, bright personalities. I wish I could post pictures but since they are wards of the state, I’m unable to but here’s a little bit about them:

My tweleve-year-old boy is full of laughter and is very helpful with the little ones. He is on task and listens well and has a smile that lights up the room.

My nine-year-old girl can be a little down on herself with low self-esteem but she’s fun-loving, energetic, patient, and just wants to be accepted for who she is. I tell her every night that God made her special and everything about her is exactly as He planned and that she is dearly loved by Him.

My eight-year-old girl is a ball of liveliness! Life is a musical in which she is the star who sings and dances through the day. I wish I could just remember everything she says and write it down in a book to make me laugh later because it’s just so funny. She’s also a bit of a flirt and I’ve got to keep eagle eyes on her when she’s around the boys. She keeps telling me she needs deodorant and a razer… she can’t wait to grow up.

My youngest is a six-year-old boy who has night terrors every night about an hour or two after he’s gone to sleep. He’s very sweet and good-natured and extremely helpful with chores. He always wants to pray at mealtime and is a joy to watch at play. Everything seems exciting to him, and he likes to jump up and down at even the simple little pleasures of life like getting to eat popcorn or going for a ride in the van to the store.

When my husband abandoned me, I was left shattered. However, what the enemy intended for evil, the Lord has used for good. I feel so much freedom- like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I finally know what God’s plan for my life is and I’m in just the right place now to take on this adventure.

10313042_685191368208431_6674958256683601713_nBeing abandoned broke me. I felt like a zombie going through the motions of day-to-day living. But I still knew God was good and worthy of praise. I praised Him as though the healing might never come. (But of course it did… it always does. God promises that in His Word: Psalm 147:3).  I prayed and prayed for my husband to come home but the Lord chose not to answer my prayer. And you know what? His worthiness is not dependent upon the outcome of my prayer. He is good and His faithfulness stretches across the skies. If you’re going through a crisis like I have been, I promise you there is Hope after devastation. There is hope even when our prayers aren’t being answered. Maybe it’s because God has something even better for you in store than you could ever have imagined for yourself!

So let go of all your fears, insecurities, and self-doubt and place them into the capable, loving hands of the Heavenly Father. Worrying is just a big waste of time and keeps you busy doing nothing productive. Don’t let anything stop you from doing what you want to do and being who God called you to be. Every good and perfect gift is from above and God wants to give you good things! Keep asking Him to bless you and He will not only bless you but use you to bless those around you!