Serious Trust Issues

At long last, this blog entry unveils a message I have been endeavoring but have been unable to write for some time. I’m not sure where to begin so I’ll just dive in.

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In the beginning of March, I deleted my online dating profile for the first time after nearly a year of membership. This was to focus on someone who I believed had a lot of potential. After a month, we both agreed that we weren’t compatible. It was disappointing, but I was okay. For the first time since I started dating after my divorce, I didn’t go right back to seeing who else was out there. I decided to give online dating a break and focus on my relationship with God. I haven’t re-activated my profile since.

The month of April was pretty rough because my best friend died of cancer. However, April was also full of blessings because my youngest sister got married and I was able to spend time with family in Connecticut as her bridesmaid. I decided on the guest bed of my parent’s rental house (my childhood home burned down last August) that if I never get married again that I was content with that. That was the first time since my husband left me that I was able to say that and genuinely mean it. I wrote in my journal that night that I couldn’t picture my future wedding. All my life I had been planning my dream wedding and I got to see it unfold exactly how I imagined in 2009. (I even wrote a blog entry about how it still remains the best day of my life.) But now I couldn’t picture the dress, I couldn’t picture my bridesmaids, and most of all, I couldn’t picture falling in love again.


My heart was calloused and bruised from so many rejections and heartbreaks, I didn’t think my heart was capable of feeling anything for anyone ever again.


At the end of May, a very dear friend who I admire and deeply respect began pursuing me romantically. I’ve known him since October of last year, we have the same friend group, and we see each other on a weekly basis. I was unsure if taking our friendship to the next level was the best choice so I prayed about it every day, but I didn’t get an answer. Meanwhile, as I began praying about him, my feelings for him began to deepen as I thought about him in a new way that I hadn’t really let myself before. I became smitten with him, complete with the butterflies in my stomach when I thought about him and all the other clichés you can think of. But he flip-flopped back and forth every day about whether or not he wanted to commit to me. One day he would tell me, “I’m sure God brought you into my life for a reason and I believe that it’s because you’re the dream woman I’ve been praying for my whole life.” Then the next day he would tell me with worry in his voice, “Are we too similar to each other? Do our lifestyles coalesce? I’m just not sure if this is what God wants.” That very night he would apologize for doubting and say I was exactly what he needed and that he wanted to invest his time in me. “I’m sorry I did that to you, I have a fear of rejection. Please be patient with me.” He promised me he wouldn’t change his mind again but then of course the next day he would. My emotions were on a roller coaster with him and my heart was anxious and upset all the time. The feelings I felt surrounding his unpredictability were akin to those when I was I an abusive marriage. I knew I had to escape this cycle of pain but an unhealthy neediness had ravished my heart. I was addicted to this sick game. The next time he asked me to be his girlfriend, he said he had peace when he prayed about it and he was sure this time. I thought we were finally done riding the roller coaster so I said, “Yes.” That was a very good day. 🙂 The next day, however, he kissed me, and I wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel loved when he kissed me… I just felt kind of used. He assured me that his kiss meant something special and not to take it lightly because he hadn’t kissed anyone in seven years. That made me feel better. The next day we were holding hands while watching a movie in the theatre and he let go of my hand about fifteen minutes into the movie and said, “Holding your hand is distracting me. I can’t focus on the movie and I’ve been wanting to see it for a long time.” What he said was so shocking that I couldn’t believe my ears. “Really?” Was all I could reply. Not going to lie, this disturbed me more than anything else that had previously happened in our relationship. If you can’t hold your girlfriend’s hand, what’s the point of dating in the first place? You might as well just be friends. Physical touch is my love language and I definitely did not feel loved in that moment… I felt rejected, abandoned, and unwanted. Call me a drama queen if you wish, but this was the final straw. I did NOT want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be close to me in that way.

broken

That relationship messed me up big time and turned my world upside down. The sense of loss was so much deeper than any other because this was a trusted friend I had invested a lot of time and love into who was breaking my heart. I found myself crying all the time. Fear wracked my body that I would be alone forever and no one would ever love me. My own dear friend couldn’t even love me, what was wrong with me? The world swirled around me in a blur as loneliness hung over me like a dark cloud. I pulled my body out of bed every morning and went to work but inside I was thinking, “What’s the point?” I went from being content in my singleness to desperately, urgently needing someone to love me or else I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

This whole ordeal was God’s answer to my prayer a few weeks earlier. I asked God to break my heart because when I am broken, I am closest to Him (Psalm 34:18) and there is NOTHING I want more in this life than to be close to Him. Pain brings us to our knees and makes us cry out to Him because there is no where else to turn for peace and comfort.

I still long for someone I can come home to. Who will just let me cry on his shoulder if I had a bad day at work. Someone who won’t get tired of my presence or feel the need for space from me. Someone who will accept me and adore me, even if I’m feeling crappy.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking. GOD is that One who loves me with this kind of love. He is the One I should be running to at the end of a long, hard day.

But…

I still long for a man. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I think God created me with a desire to be a wife and He wouldn’t give me that desire and not meet that need. I need to trust Him that He WILL provide the right person at the right time. And if there isn’t a person after all, I need to believe that is His very best plan for my life. His way is better than my way.

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I need to let go of this idea that my life will be better if I’m in a relationship.


All being in a relationship has brought me in the past is PAIN. If I never find a man who loves me the way I deserve to be loved… who wants to spend all his time with me, holding me tight and having deep conversations with me, that means I’ll do better with just me and God. If I never find this man, that means God has looked high and low all over planet Earth and has not found a single soul who will compliment me and make my life better. Maybe my life is better alone. I could choose to view this as a complete slap in the face or I could view it as a blessing. God knows exactly what my heart and soul need and He doesn’t want me to have anything less than that. It’s better to be alone than be in a frustrating relationship where my needs aren’t being met and let’s be honest… I’m a pretty needy person. 😉

Ask yourself these two questions:

  • Is God really good?
  • Do I trust God to be God?

Who do you say God is? Do you believe He sees you? Do you believe He will meet your needs? Does He not fill the Heavens and the Earth? (Jeremiah 23:24) Does anything escape His notice? (Psalm 139:7) Heaven is His throne and the earth is His footstool (Isaiah 66:1). He can do all things and no plan of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). He knows everything from every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30) to every star in the sky and each one has a special name He’s given it (Psalm 147:4). Not a single sparrow falls to the ground without God’s allowance (Matthew 10:29). He is Sovereign over all. He has mighty power over all things at all times in all ways and His understanding is infinite.

“Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.” -Jeremiah 32:17

If you are struggling with pain today, please take comfort in knowing that God not only knows your situation but He deeply cares (1 Peter 5:7). He is holding you in the palm of His hand and He will never, ever let you go (Deuteronomy 31:6). If you worship a God who is somehow limited in His power then you do not worship the same God I do. If you worship a God who doesn’t care about you or isn’t capable of helping you, then you do not worship the same God I do. (Psalm 107:1) My God is mighty to save and He wants to fill up my cup til it overflows.

When it comes to trusting God’s goodness C. S. Lewis said it best, “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

The mind feasts on what it is focused on. If you keep thinking about what you don’t have, you’ll be miserable. If you count your blessings, you’ll have a thankful heart. What consumes your mind will be the making or breaking of your identity. Instead of thinking about how badly I need a relationship to be happy, I will replace those thoughts with this prayer, “God, I trust that you are good at being God. I trust you will take care of me and do what is best for me.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. -Isaiah 26:3

My whole life I’ve searched for a love that would fill me up.. a love in which I was known intimately and deeply treasured. The truth is, when God created me, His heart exploded with a tremendous love and He’s been pursuing me ever since, wooing me and whispering, “I love you. I will never let you go.” When I dwell on this truth, my heart is filled up with love. I have been desperately craving this affectionate embrace and I’ve been looking everywhere except up. If I live from this place of abundant love, I will stop begging men for scraps of love.

My feelings may shift when people I love are unpredictable, but the Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He quiets my heart with His love. He leads me besides quiet waters and refreshes my soul. When I am confused and hesitant, He is assurance. When I am hopeless, He is strength. When I depleated, He is fulfillment. When I am exhausted, He is rejuvination.

“The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

Every time I become enamored with something that I think will bring lasting fulfillment, I make room in my heart for it. I forget that I’m already complete in Christ and I don’t need anything else to make my happy (Colossians 2:10, Psalm 16:11). And every single time, the thing I am in love with proves its absolute inability to fulfill me and I feel even more empty than before.

“I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.” -Philippians 3:8

Two Great Articles to Read

Here’s an article that proposes five possible reasons for why you might still be single. It’s non-threatening even though it’s challenging stuff.

Here’s another article entitled “Dump Your Dream Girl” about letting go of your unattainable expectations for your future spouse.  Extremely well-written, thought-provoking, and also non-threatening.

There’s a lot of garbage out there that points fingers at you for being the reason you’re still single but I like the way these two authors dealt with heavy subjects with such grace.

 

Passionate

via Daily Prompt: Passionate

Falling in love is terrifying and glorious simultaneously. If you don’t open yourself up and trust him to catch you when you fall, you’ll never fly. I’ve gotten to the edge of that precipice a few times in my life… it always seems worth it even when he doesn’t catch me.

In the words of Anne of Green Gables:

“When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation; and then the first thing I realize I drop down to earth with a thud. But really, Marilla, the flying part is glorious as long as it lasts. . .it’s like soaring through a sunset. I think it almost pays for the thud.”

But that thud is starting to get exhausting. I have black and blue bruises all over my body from the countless times I’ve allowed myself to trust that this time it would be different. THIS TIME it would be forever.

The loneliness is starting to devour me. I told him I contemplated “friends with benefits” just to fill the aching emptiness inside. I don’t think I would really do it when it came down to it… I deserve the devoted commitment of someone who is crazy about me and will never use me or leave me, who is with me because he truly loves me and not because he’s lonely. And I’d never want to make someone else feel less than worthy of true love. Anyway, the body and heart are intertwined and one can only separate them for so long.

Him= I’ve written about him here before. My standard of excellence. The one no one else has come even close to comparing to. My steady rock of support. He loves me, he makes me feel special, he makes me feel desired, he makes me feel important. He makes me feel heard, understood, cared for.

After this, how can I go back to normal life?

A thousand times I pinched myself. Was it really happening? Yes, everything I’ve envisioned and longed for and prayed for came true, but it was a mere shadow. It was real, but it wasn’t real.

Restlessness consumed my soul for I knew this beautiful feeling was fleeting. My head knew the truth- this desire is a fantasy and these emotions are deceptive, untrustworthy. Meanwhile, the purest, deepest love filled me up completely. I  didn’t want to move or breathe for fear that it will all melt away like waking from a dream. I would take a bullet for this man. I would do anything within my power to make him happy. If he wanted me, I’d fight to keep him here beside me.

They say when you meet the person you’ve always expected to meet, that subconscious part of you recognizes your kindred spirit and you come alive like never before. Words seem inadequate and yet words aren’t even necessary because volumes are spoken in the expressions of the eyes. Time flies and yet time is never enough.

The spicy, intoxicating scent of his skin. The warmth of his embrace. The silent tenderness felt in his touch. Every fiber, every molecule, every atom of my being hummed with a radiant euphoria that slammed against a cacophony of torment making me feverishly sick in the pit of my stomach. Joyful butterflies coexisted with unease. But every moment was worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing if I could go back.

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In case you think I’m a victim let me be clear that it was my choice to let myself fall and I knew what I was getting myself into. I couldn’t help but fall at the same time as being in control when I did. I’m an eternal optimist who never seems to give up hope… and so for many months I clung tightly to the dream that he might change his mind… but I can almost guarentee there will never be a dramatic kiss in the rain or a wildly passionte hand-written love letter. He’s always been forthright and honest. He’s never hid his intentions. The lines have always been clearly drawn. We are platonic and there’s nothing I can do about it.

“Because we are too similar,” he says.

Which is precisely the reason I love him. All my life I’ve yearned for someone like him who sees the world in the unique way I see it. We want the same things. Our personal experiences are very different but we experience the world the same way. We laugh at the same stupid humor and sigh sentimentally at the same beauty, almost as though we grew up as brother and sister with the same inside jokes.  It’s pretty rare to find someone you connect with that deeply.

“I need someone to balance me out, to be strong where I am weak. We have the same weaknesses.”

I get that. I respect it. But I can’t shake off the feeling that he’s my soulmate. I’ve finally come to a place where I am able to acknowledge that the feeling isn’t fabricated because I want it to be true so bad… but it IS true. However, soulmates can be just friends and that’s okay.

soulmate

I don’t have to guess whether or not he loves me because I know he loves me. I wish all men could be like him… honest about how they feel!

I’m tired of guesing whether a man is truly interested in me or if he just loves the excitement of the chase. I’m tired of swiping left on dating apps for days and days… I’m utterly exhausted from the passionate pursuit of charming, handsome men only to be left high and dry a few weeks later because the fire has sizzled out. That level of passion cannot be kept up by most people. Most people just want immediate gratification and they are only interested in serving themselves.

If we are really honest with ourselves, we all know deep down there is more to be had. We all really just want “the whole shebang.” The security of knowing he’ll always be there for you, the joy and comfort that comes with him being intimately aware of all your idiosyncrasies and accepting you completely despite them, maybe even because of them.

Let’s not settle for less than what we deserve: the wild, passionate, devoted love of someone who knows you inside out and will stick by your side come what may. I’m holding out because I KNOW it is possible. I also believe it’s possible for the “honeymoon stage” to never end. It takes work, but it’s possible to fall in love and feel more in love every day than the day before. This is how I feel with this man and I won’t settle for anything less than this feeling.