I was re-reading “Memoirs of a Geisha” this morning on my day off. The first time I read it was about six years ago when I was engaged to my husband. Today, for the first time, I saw a little bit of myself in the character of Sayuri and also in her mentor Mameha as they must not allow themselves to truly open themselves up to love because the jealousy of the other women their danna was with would destroy them. I came across a quote by Mameha to her protégé as she tried to teach her not to dream too big. To be practical and detached. To keep her passion under control or it would control her. “Young girls hope all sorts of foolish things, Sayuri. Hopes are like hair ornaments. Girls want to wear too many of them. When they become old women they look silly wearing even one.” After reading this passage, I put the book down and felt hopelessness over my whole situation. I wondered if I’d ever be able to have the kind of teamwork that my sister and her husband have if I am to do my duty as a Christian wife and wait to reconcile with the prodigal husband. I was hopeful for a while there that I might have a biblical reason to divorce him and find someone who will truly love me as Christ loves the church. But now I just feel empty with despair at the thought of him coming back and having to live day after day in a divided house. Jesus said “a house divided cannot stand” (Luke 11:17). I felt so lazy the rest of the day like I couldn’t do anything. Have you ever been debilitated by your feelings? Sometimes I feel like I’m shackled ball and chain to my feelings, incapacitated by their burden, and completely at their mercy. I don’t think feelings are necessarily good or bad but the thoughts we harbor and choices we make based on them are what either honor God or dishonor Him. I love the saying, “You can’t stop a bird from flying over your head but you can prevent it from building a nest in your hair.” In other words, if a feeling passes overhead, you can choose to let it fly by or allow it to take up permanent residence in your mind, giving it free reign over your actions. But it seems hopelessness likes to keep haunting me. My whole life has always been filled up with hopes and dreams. I was the one at birthday parties who, when everyone else was playing games like Spin the Bottle and Seven Minutes in Heaven, I was in another room of the house reading a book because my kisses were for my future husband. I wanted to give him and only him every part of me, including my first kiss. Part of me wished to be included in the revelry and not feel left out but another part of me realized that this kind of intimacy with boys was cheap and superficial. I didn’t want to have insincere make-out sessions with boys who were meaningless to me. I wanted to be tenderly kissed by someone I deeply cared about who was as passionately devoted to me as I was to him. I saved that first kiss for years and years and gave it to my husband six months after we were engaged. I had hoped he would be not only my first kiss, but my last and my only. Is my destiny for my husband to return to me? If so, I must not ever love him too passionately or I will die a slow and painful death once more if he should choose to leave me again. If he did return, our relationship would never be the same again. It would take eons for my husband to gain back my trust.
My husband texted me yesterday that he misses me and that he was thinking of revoking the previous ultimatum that I need to give up my faith in Jesus Christ. His most recent correspondence was that maybe we can agree to disagree. I don’t like the idea of living with a man who doesn’t submit to the headship of our Savior because there are so many problems that come from a marriage where one member of the team yields to the leadership of Christ and the other does things his own way however he sees fit, ignoring the instructions from the Bible. I lived like this for three and a half years and I guess I could go back to it, but I know I’d be miserable. I could continue to try to “win my husband over with my chaste conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2). This is what the church elders from my home church back in Connecticut advised me to do as they suppose my husband to be a believer. But what harmony can there be between us when I answer to my Father’s Word and my other half doesn’t? (2 Corinthians 6:14-15) It wasn’t working then so why would it work now? My most recent text from my husband says, “I can at least consider another go at it…” Consider. Getting back together is not definite but now, after a full year, he’s finally reevaluating his decision to leave me. If his decision had come months ago I would have been overjoyed but now I can’t help but feel a deep sense of loss for what I might have had with someone else: a godly man. I must not let myself feel so disappointed, but instead fulfill my obligation as a faithful wife and try to make the marriage work. My pastor from Tucson thinks I should not rush back into a relationship with my husband (especially if he only wants to come back because he wants to use me a sex object.) He told me to wait for him to prove himself that he can hold down a job, stay clean, and not lay a finger on me. I know I ought to respond with a renewed mind that aligns itself with God’s will. I can either accept these negative thoughts that come into my mind or I can refuse them. New thoughts come from new perspectives. If anything exalts itself against the knowledge of God I have to bring that thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). I do not need to be helf hostage by negative, unbiblical thoughts but instead, capture those thoughts that go against God’s Word and bring them into submission to Him. I can’t control what happens to me anymore than I can control the weather but what I can control is how I respond to these feelings. I believe there is a potential good in every situation and when I choose to dwell on God’s Sovereignty rather than a seemingly hopeless situation, I choose to rest in His grip instead of losing my grip. God has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). The devil wants me to live in futility of thinking, embracing the darkness and all of its attitudes, perceptions presuppositions, and expectations. But those who walk in darkness are separated from God with hardened hearts, living in all kinds of impurity with a continual lust for more sin. However, as believers, we are called to be imitators of God (Ephesians 5:1) and we are urged to live a life worthy of our calling (2 Thessalonians 1:11). Unbridled emotions can can be so powerful as to paralyze us with fear and rob us of peace and joy. Our thoughts directly affect our emotions but we ought not to let them manage our decisions. Feelings cannot be depended on and they don’t always tell the truth. We need to always compare our feelings with what God’s Word says. Train your feelings to serve you so you don’t become their slave.