Surrender

Sometimes I’m okay. I’m heartbroken, but I’m able to get through another day without feeling like my world is imploding. I’m able to smile and maybe even laugh a little bit. I feel like everything will eventually work out because God is in complete control.

Then there are days that I pretend I’m okay, but as soon as I get home from work I kick off my heels, crawl into my big, empty bed, and weep into my pillow. “How can I keep doing this, God?” I scream at Him. “I’m tired of being lonely. Why did You make me so emotionally needy?” The verse Romans 9:20 comes to me. “Will what is molded say to its molder, ‘Why have you made me like this?'” I sort of heard God say, “You’re so exhausted from worrying about your future instead of trusting Me that you’ve become miserable, despondent, and drained. Just surrender.”

Anyone who has suffered a tragic loss knows that life continues to go on even though you feel like you need time to grieve. The person you most need to comfort you during your grieving process is absent… which is the whole reason you’re grieving in the first place. And the vicious cycle continues: Wanting him, remembering he doesn’t want you, reaching out to him anyway, being rejected again, trying to be content with singleness even though happily ever after was supposed to be “’til death do us part.” Losing him to death would be so much easier to deal with but losing him because he’s no longer the man you fell in love with is a worse kind of death to accept. But you still have to set your alarm early in the morning, pull yourself out of bed, prepare breakfast, put on your makeup, and smile kindly at the people you run into during the day.

When my life seems hopeless and I start comparing my circumstances to the lovely, happy faces of my peers on facebook kissing their husbands and displaying their baby bumps… I might still like a piece of turd, but I can trust that I am secure in God’s unfailing love. He is faithful even though my husband was not. He is dependable when everything else in my life is in utter shambles. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” ~ Hebrews 11:1

I feel so ready to go Home.

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