Loneliness

This song was one of my favorites as a little girl… I used to play this album on our vinyl record player over and over!

I love the line that sings, “I love a loney day, it chases me to You. Lets my very best part shine through, it’s You.”

It’s so important that your God needs are being met by God and not anyone else. He alone needs to be your priority. But we need people, too. God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” I am so ridiculously thankful for the friendships in my life because without them I would be so lost and alone. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I DON’T need a romantic relationship because I already have friends who intimately know me, love me through and through, and are not going anywhere. (Of course I still desire a healthy romantic relationship and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.)

Your support system is only as good as the people you choose to confide in and your openness to being vulnerable. In order to fully experience the fullness of joy in our relationships with others we need to be completely honest and vulnerable as we share with them. You have to allow yourself to be dependent on them (scary thought!) Yes, it opens you up to heartache and rejection but the benefits of having such faithful friends far outweighs the risk of anything that could go wrong.

The feeling of loneliness is pretty similar to the feeling of hunger. If you feel hungry, you go buy yourself a cheeseburger. If you feel lonely, you call your best friend and ask her to come over. We need to surround ourselves with loving, caring, supportive, trustworthy, committed people so that we aren’t so isolated. Isolation is what causes depression and feelings of emptiness. But sometimes you can be surrounded by loving people and still feel left out. It’s important to find someone who truly understands you and loves you unconditionally. Someone who isn’t going anywhere and will always stand by your side. You do not need to find this in a romantic partner, in fact, I would recommend you wait until you are no longer feeling needy and lonely before you commit to someone romantically. Loneliness can make us do almost anything just to fill that hole in our heart.

“When we are lonely, it’s a signal that we are alive. God created us with the drive to connect and be attached to Himself and others. It is a good thing, because loneliness leads us to relationship and that is where God wants all of us. We are all members of one body.” -Cloud and Townsend

Advertisements

Kindred Spirit

At the begining of August I was being pursued by seven different men. I went on at least one date with each of them and began slowly eliminating them. In one week, I went on a date with a different man every day for five days in a row. Then the last two days of that week I went on a second date with two of them.

I honestly like all of them. They are all great guys and I really can’t say anything bad about any of them. One of them was my mailman who has been leaving me thoughtful presents and notes in my mailbox for about a year and a half. Another one was a man I met online who came all the way down from Colorado just to spend the weekend with me.

As amazing as all these men are, none of them felt like I had met “the one…” except one. From this point forward I shall refer to him as “Kindred Spirit.”

From the moment I met Kindred Spirit, I felt as though I had known him my whole life. We immediately clicked in a deep way as if I were getting together with an old childhood friend and reconnecting after not seeing one another for ten years or more.

It sounds so ridiculous writing it down and putting my thoughts out into the world, but I was already excited about him after one date. We stayed up until 2 in the morning talking in a parking lot. I wanted to kiss him. KISS HIM, people! I NEVER want to kiss someone I’ve just met. I was already kind of crazy about him. I couldn’t wait to see him again and thought about him constantly. Being my Kindred Spirit, I somehow knew him just as well as I know myself. I knew that if I texted him too much or came on too strong it would turn him off. He’s an old-fashioned hopeless romantic and he wants to be the one in control who does the pursuing… so I kept praying and being patient and reminding myself not to get too excited.

patience

I have the tendancy to be a bit clingy. It’s mind over matter at this point.

He told me a few days later that there was another girl in the picture who he was also dating. I was immediately disappointed, but it’s only fair to mention I also had two other guys I was still dating at that point.

But I called them last night and told them my affections were with someone else. It’s a risky shot in the dark at this point because of what he told me on our third date two nights ago.

Me: I’m probably sabotaging our relationship by asking you this instead of just having fun, enjoying your company, and making the most of this moment together… but I can’t stop thinking about the “other girl.” How are things going with her?
Kindred Spirit: Really good actually.
Me: Oh. Do you like her romantically?
Kindred Spirit: Yes, I think so, I don’t know.
Me: You don’t know what you want, do you? I feel like you should have a pretty good idea at this point of what you want.
Kindred Spirit: I’ve been praying about it but God’s not answering my prayers.

Well, I just wanted to get back to enjoying our time together so we changed the subject and walked around the park again for a second time. Then we sat in my car and talked some more.

Kindred Spirit: Don’t look at me like that!
Me:
Like how?
Kindred Spirit: Longingly.
I immediately broke eye contact and became embarassed that my heart was dangling like that on my sleeve. He quickly pulled me in an embrace, I suppose out of compassion and empathy for my unrequited love. 
Me: There was a quote in chapter 8 of  “Boundaries in Dating” which I just read at the dentist office the other day which said, “Are you confusing longing for being in love? Remember, love satisfies. It does not leave you romantically pining.”

So that’s it. That’s all I have to say. We didn’t set another date and there might not ever be another date. My greatest fear came to fruition… that I would like him more than he likes me. My heart kind of hurts if I’m honest with you. My other greatest fear is that I won’t find anyone else like him. But at the same time, I completely trust God and I know that I can’t wreck up His beautiful plan for my life. I guess I dumped the other guys more for myself than for Kindred Spirit. It’s completely unfair to myself to have experienced a soul as beautiful as his and then settle for anything less than how I feel about him.

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be stuck with someone I didn’t feel that with.

someday

I just feel absolutely blessed to even have met him. He raises the bar high for the next person who tries to pursue me.

My hands are open
Willing to receive
They are not resisting
or defending
My hands are open
Willing to give
No need to grab
or push or cling tightly
My hands are open
Ready to embrace
Ready to let go
Accepting

 

“My Fiancé Never Was My Boyfriend”

“As friends, he fell in love with my character.”

virtuous1s

Sep 11, 2014
Ever since the engagement, many people have asked me questions about my relationship and the most prevalent one is “how long did you guys date?” The truth is we never did. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. He never asked me out on a solo date. We never even kissed. For as long as I’ve known him we were just friends… Friends that valued each other, prayed for one another, and wanted to see each other succeed in every area of life.

image

Now within this friendship, I admit, there were times when I looked at him like “Dang, he’s cute” or “I really admire this about him” or “I would love for my mate to have some of his qualities” but honestly there were A LOT of guys that I would say the very same thing about! Soon enough, I learned how to categorize the…

View original post 768 more words

Relationship Advice

Gerald Rogers wrote this advice following his divorce after 16 years of marriage:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it with those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard-learned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Me as a Wife

So, back in the beginning of May, a friend told me he found my future husband list online and he said “I think what is frustrating about seeing those lists is that the women almost never seem to have lists of what they have to offer potential husbands in return. Is the thinking that what you have to offer just goes without saying?”

Well, I sent him a link to this blog post which begins with a list of what my future husband is looking for in a wife… and goes on to name some of my quirky and fun qualities. But my friend wanted me to make a complete list. I’ve been putting it off for a while because writing a list of what I have to offer my future husband sounds really cocky but I actually think it will be healing and good for my self-esteem. (Which, trust me, I need at this point more than ever.) Now, every time a guy rejects me for some reason or another, I can refer back to this list of awesome qualities about me and just remind myself that I’m not the woman he’s looking for but someone else out there is.

What I Have to Offer My Future Husband: This is Me


1. I am a devout follower of Jesus Christ who strives to continue growing in the grace and knowledge of my Savior.  I was raised since infancy in a non-denominational, conservative, evangelical protestant church with a firm foundation in the Word of God, teaching verse-by-verse. I went to a Christian University and have a degree in Bible. I desire to live a life of purity and present myself to God as a living sacrifice. I also desire to be transformed by the renewing of my mind that I may be conformed to the image of Christ.  My main spiritual gift is evangelism.

2.) I am extremely affectionate and take pride in satisfying my husband sexually. The reason I know this is because I was married before. My past experience has lent itself well to preparing me for my future husband because I already know how to be an excellent wife. The purpose of marriage is to serve the other person. My goal is to be the helpmate of my husband and make him a better man just by being by his side supporting him in all he does. I expect that we will mutually serve one another and the order of priorities will always be thus: God first, then your spouse, then children (if applicable) and finally self.

3.) I am trustworthy. I will never give my husband any reason not to trust me. I am loyal and honest almost to a fault. My devotion was proven when I stayed in an abusive marriage for four years because I believed it was my duty to God to stay faithful and true to our vows.

4.) My ambition is to be a stay-at-home-mom. I don’t plan on being one of those SAHMs who just eats food and watches TV all day, either. I am eager to run my own home business or support my husband in his business, if he has one. I also would like to homeschool my children, at least for the first few years to give them a head start in their education and put them at the top of their class.  My children will be reading by the age of three or four and they will be bilingual. I would also love to be a foster mom. I have three years experience doing this already so I am confident in my abilities and I have the perfect temperament for this ministry which requires lots of compassion, patience, and hard work. This is work I believe God has called me to do and, if there are at least two foster children in our care, it pays the equivalent of what someone with a full-time job would be making.

5.) I enjoy a wide variety of friends with diverse cultural, social, economic, educational and political backgrounds. I believe that cultivating relationships with people whose values differ from my own enriches my life and gives me multiple fresh perspectives. I’m a social butterfly who makes friends wherever she goes. Investing in people is pretty much the most important thing in the world to me at this time since I don’t have a family of my own yet.

6.) I have an eclectic assortment of hobbies so I rarely ever get bored. I don’t even own a TV because there are way too many things I would rather be doing than watch the boob tube: hosting a game night, karaoke, roller blading, bowling, hiking, cooking healthy food, racquetball, volleyball, mini golf, horseback riding, writing (my book, poetry, in my journal, or just a letter to a friend) reading a book, doing something artsy fartsy like scrapbooking, making jewelry, quilting, sewing my own clothes, making my own soap, lip balm, eye shadow, perfume, etc. I could really keep going here but you get the picture. I recently got Netflix and now my favorite part of every single day is right before bed. I love to eat my dinner as I soak in the bathtub with candles, epsom salts and essential oils while I watch a good movie or an episode of a show on my laptop that sits on the toilet lid. Sometimes I skip the movie and just listen to music, the Bible on CD, or a sermon while I bathe.

7.) You never know when that dancing feeling tickles your fancy and it’s always good to be prepared- that’s why I carry dance shoes in my car at all times. I love salsa, cha cha, merengue, Argentine tango, Viennese waltz, kizomba, zouk, bachata, rueda de casino, and East Coast swing. Right now my dance group Zona Pachanga is learning choreography to “Uptown Funk” and we’re going to perform it in November.

8.) “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” as they say, but I still think I’m pretty hot. We all know “charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting” but a bonus perk of marrying me: my boobs will not be droopy when I am old.

9.) I am one of the worship leaders at church and I’m always singing everywhere I go. In fact, you might just happen to catch me breaking out into random song and dance as if life were a real life musical.

10.) I have a strong, healthy relationship with my family and even though we are all scattered across the United States and don’t get to see each other as often as we like, we are in contact with one another on a semi-daily basis and we are very close.

11.) Some of my hidden talents: Positive, upbeat attitude, playing saxophone and piano, cooking ethnic food, forgiveness (my sister once said I’m the most forgiving person she knows) motivating people to be the best they can be, knowing lots of useless facts (comes in handy when you play trivia at the bar) and giving good massages… rawr!

12.)“The purest and most thoughtful minds are those which love color the most.” -John Ruskin I REALLY love color so I hope my future husband doesn’t mind that our home has bright, cheerful pops of color because color makes me so happy.

13.) I’m committed to loving and serving my future husband and putting his needs above my own. I will shower him in love and affection. I am an old-fashioned hopeless romantic and will write my man love poems and leave him love notes around the house to find.

14.) I am responsible, dependable, manage my time well, and I’m pretty organized.

15.) I am in really good health. I exercise, I’m at a healthy weight for my height, I eat five small meals throughout the day every two hours, and I’ve never had any major health issues. I even have 20/15 vision, not that it is really that important haha but I like to think that’s something special about me.

16.) I am very teachable. I admit when I’m wrong and I’m open to constructive criticism because growing into the best person I can be is a top priority.

17.) I am a peaceful person who is slow to anger.

18.) I have a playful sense of humor. I do like to tease people but I’m careful about who I pick on because I know which one of my friends are sensitive and don’t get my humor and those who will rib me right back. I will always honor my future husband and speak well of him. I will guard my lips and not speak poorly of him. Even in my abusive marriage I did not speak of what happened behind closed doors to anyone because I wanted my husband’s name to be respected.

19.) I am very confident and know Who I belong to. I am consecrated to Yahweh and He is the true lover of my soul for He loved me so much that He became the perfect Lamb and sacrificed His life to have a relationship with me. A passionate love relationship with Jesus Christ is the foundation for success in every aspect of life.

20.) I’m a little adventurous and I’d like to do some daring and crazy things before I die. Let me show you my bucket list… Israel, Paris, Bahamas, Costa Rica, Orlando, are just a few of the places I want to go with my future husband to.

21.) I am an ENFJ and we are awesome people, just saying.

22.) I am respectful and devoted to purity but you might find me laughing at some crude humor or even cracking some dark humor myself. Life can be bleak sometimes. If I don’t find the lighter side of something disturbing and unpleasant, I’ll probably cry and get super depressed because I’m such an empathetic person. I’m pretty optimistic, too, and I try to greet negativity with grim amusement rather than getting stressed out or complaining about it. (It doesn’t always work.) It is understandable that others find dark humor offensive, morbid, and inappropriate but for me, it’s a coping mechanism that releases anxiety and grief and helps me blow off steam. I grew up on it- both my parents are lighthearted people and make jokes about serious things to release tension. When their house burned down, my mom was able to find irony in a tragic situation and was cracking jokes on the phone with me about it.

Serious Trust Issues

At long last, this blog entry unveils a message I have been endeavoring but have been unable to write for some time. I’m not sure where to begin so I’ll just dive in.

trustissues

In the beginning of March, I deleted my online dating profile for the first time after nearly a year of membership. This was to focus on someone who I believed had a lot of potential. After a month, we both agreed that we weren’t compatible. It was disappointing, but I was okay. For the first time since I started dating after my divorce, I didn’t go right back to seeing who else was out there. I decided to give online dating a break and focus on my relationship with God. I haven’t re-activated my profile since.

The month of April was pretty rough because my best friend died of cancer. However, April was also full of blessings because my youngest sister got married and I was able to spend time with family in Connecticut as her bridesmaid. I decided on the guest bed of my parent’s rental house (my childhood home burned down last August) that if I never get married again that I was content with that. That was the first time since my husband left me that I was able to say that and genuinely mean it. I wrote in my journal that night that I couldn’t picture my future wedding. All my life I had been planning my dream wedding and I got to see it unfold exactly how I imagined in 2009. (I even wrote a blog entry about how it still remains the best day of my life.) But now I couldn’t picture the dress, I couldn’t picture my bridesmaids, and most of all, I couldn’t picture falling in love again.


My heart was calloused and bruised from so many rejections and heartbreaks, I didn’t think my heart was capable of feeling anything for anyone ever again.


At the end of May, a very dear friend who I admire and deeply respect began pursuing me romantically. I’ve known him since October of last year, we have the same friend group, and we see each other on a weekly basis. I was unsure if taking our friendship to the next level was the best choice so I prayed about it every day, but I didn’t get an answer. Meanwhile, as I began praying about him, my feelings for him began to deepen as I thought about him in a new way that I hadn’t really let myself before. I became smitten with him, complete with the butterflies in my stomach when I thought about him and all the other clichés you can think of. But he flip-flopped back and forth every day about whether or not he wanted to commit to me. One day he would tell me, “I’m sure God brought you into my life for a reason and I believe that it’s because you’re the dream woman I’ve been praying for my whole life.” Then the next day he would tell me with worry in his voice, “Are we too similar to each other? Do our lifestyles coalesce? I’m just not sure if this is what God wants.” That very night he would apologize for doubting and say I was exactly what he needed and that he wanted to invest his time in me. “I’m sorry I did that to you, I have a fear of rejection. Please be patient with me.” He promised me he wouldn’t change his mind again but then of course the next day he would. My emotions were on a roller coaster with him and my heart was anxious and upset all the time. The feelings I felt surrounding his unpredictability were akin to those when I was I an abusive marriage. I knew I had to escape this cycle of pain but an unhealthy neediness had ravished my heart. I was addicted to this sick game. The next time he asked me to be his girlfriend, he said he had peace when he prayed about it and he was sure this time. I thought we were finally done riding the roller coaster so I said, “Yes.” That was a very good day. 🙂 The next day, however, he kissed me, and I wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel loved when he kissed me… I just felt kind of used. He assured me that his kiss meant something special and not to take it lightly because he hadn’t kissed anyone in seven years. That made me feel better. The next day we were holding hands while watching a movie in the theatre and he let go of my hand about fifteen minutes into the movie and said, “Holding your hand is distracting me. I can’t focus on the movie and I’ve been wanting to see it for a long time.” What he said was so shocking that I couldn’t believe my ears. “Really?” Was all I could reply. Not going to lie, this disturbed me more than anything else that had previously happened in our relationship. If you can’t hold your girlfriend’s hand, what’s the point of dating in the first place? You might as well just be friends. Physical touch is my love language and I definitely did not feel loved in that moment… I felt rejected, abandoned, and unwanted. Call me a drama queen if you wish, but this was the final straw. I did NOT want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be close to me in that way.

broken

That relationship messed me up big time and turned my world upside down. The sense of loss was so much deeper than any other because this was a trusted friend I had invested a lot of time and love into who was breaking my heart. I found myself crying all the time. Fear wracked my body that I would be alone forever and no one would ever love me. My own dear friend couldn’t even love me, what was wrong with me? The world swirled around me in a blur as loneliness hung over me like a dark cloud. I pulled my body out of bed every morning and went to work but inside I was thinking, “What’s the point?” I went from being content in my singleness to desperately, urgently needing someone to love me or else I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

This whole ordeal was God’s answer to my prayer a few weeks earlier. I asked God to break my heart because when I am broken, I am closest to Him (Psalm 34:18) and there is NOTHING I want more in this life than to be close to Him. Pain brings us to our knees and makes us cry out to Him because there is no where else to turn for peace and comfort.

I still long for someone I can come home to. Who will just let me cry on his shoulder if I had a bad day at work. Someone who won’t get tired of my presence or feel the need for space from me. Someone who will accept me and adore me, even if I’m feeling crappy.

Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking. GOD is that One who loves me with this kind of love. He is the One I should be running to at the end of a long, hard day.

But…

I still long for a man. Is that wrong? I don’t think so. I think God created me with a desire to be a wife and He wouldn’t give me that desire and not meet that need. I need to trust Him that He WILL provide the right person at the right time. And if there isn’t a person after all, I need to believe that is His very best plan for my life. His way is better than my way.

fb_img_1498077569690


I need to let go of this idea that my life will be better if I’m in a relationship.


All being in a relationship has brought me in the past is PAIN. If I never find a man who loves me the way I deserve to be loved… who wants to spend all his time with me, holding me tight and having deep conversations with me, that means I’ll do better with just me and God. If I never find this man, that means God has looked high and low all over planet Earth and has not found a single soul who will compliment me and make my life better. Maybe my life is better alone. I could choose to view this as a complete slap in the face or I could view it as a blessing. God knows exactly what my heart and soul need and He doesn’t want me to have anything less than that. It’s better to be alone than be in a frustrating relationship where my needs aren’t being met and let’s be honest… I’m a pretty needy person. 😉

Ask yourself these two questions:

  • Is God really good?
  • Do I trust God to be God?

Who do you say God is? Do you believe He sees you? Do you believe He will meet your needs? Does He not fill the Heavens and the Earth? (Jeremiah 23:24) Does anything escape His notice? (Psalm 139:7) Heaven is His throne and the earth is His footstool (Isaiah 66:1). He can do all things and no plan of His can be thwarted (Job 42:2). He knows everything from every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30) to every star in the sky and each one has a special name He’s given it (Psalm 147:4). Not a single sparrow falls to the ground without God’s allowance (Matthew 10:29). He is Sovereign over all. He has mighty power over all things at all times in all ways and His understanding is infinite.

“Ah, Lord GOD! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You.” -Jeremiah 32:17

If you are struggling with pain today, please take comfort in knowing that God not only knows your situation but He deeply cares (1 Peter 5:7). He is holding you in the palm of His hand and He will never, ever let you go (Deuteronomy 31:6). If you worship a God who is somehow limited in His power then you do not worship the same God I do. If you worship a God who doesn’t care about you or isn’t capable of helping you, then you do not worship the same God I do. (Psalm 107:1) My God is mighty to save and He wants to fill up my cup til it overflows.

When it comes to trusting God’s goodness C. S. Lewis said it best, “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

The mind feasts on what it is focused on. If you keep thinking about what you don’t have, you’ll be miserable. If you count your blessings, you’ll have a thankful heart. What consumes your mind will be the making or breaking of your identity. Instead of thinking about how badly I need a relationship to be happy, I will replace those thoughts with this prayer, “God, I trust that you are good at being God. I trust you will take care of me and do what is best for me.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. -Isaiah 26:3

My whole life I’ve searched for a love that would fill me up.. a love in which I was known intimately and deeply treasured. The truth is, when God created me, His heart exploded with a tremendous love and He’s been pursuing me ever since, wooing me and whispering, “I love you. I will never let you go.” When I dwell on this truth, my heart is filled up with love. I have been desperately craving this affectionate embrace and I’ve been looking everywhere except up. If I live from this place of abundant love, I will stop begging men for scraps of love.

My feelings may shift when people I love are unpredictable, but the Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He quiets my heart with His love. He leads me besides quiet waters and refreshes my soul. When I am confused and hesitant, He is assurance. When I am hopeless, He is strength. When I depleated, He is fulfillment. When I am exhausted, He is rejuvination.

“The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” – Zephaniah 3:17

Every time I become enamored with something that I think will bring lasting fulfillment, I make room in my heart for it. I forget that I’m already complete in Christ and I don’t need anything else to make my happy (Colossians 2:10, Psalm 16:11). And every single time, the thing I am in love with proves its absolute inability to fulfill me and I feel even more empty than before.

“I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.” -Philippians 3:8

Two Great Articles to Read

Here’s an article that proposes five possible reasons for why you might still be single. It’s non-threatening even though it’s challenging stuff.

Here’s another article entitled “Dump Your Dream Girl” about letting go of your unattainable expectations for your future spouse.  Extremely well-written, thought-provoking, and also non-threatening.

There’s a lot of garbage out there that points fingers at you for being the reason you’re still single but I like the way these two authors dealt with heavy subjects with such grace.